Truly Anchored
STEP Nine was one of the Steps I baulked at the most because it required me to face people sober and make amends for the harms I had caused. The majority of those harms were committed while I was in a state of oblivion under the influence of alcohol. Going back to face those people completely sober was a terrifying and daunting prospect. At the time, I was suffering from what I believed was a severe mental or emotional illness while sober, so returning to the people I had terrorised while drunk was incredibly challenging. I stood still on that Step for as long as humanly possible. Eventually, however, I began to backslide, declining rapidly in my emotional and mental health—just as the Big Book warns about standing still on the Programme. I had worked Steps One through Eight up to that point, and it was time to go out and set the matter straight.
It wasn’t just a case of saying sorry; it was about actively offering to make amends for the damage done. This was uniquely difficult for me because I grew up in a family that wasn’t open, emotional, or used to sharing things in the way making amends required. After stalling for multiple weeks, perhaps even months, I remember sitting in my college course working with my tutor while experiencing a severe internal meltdown. Right then, I remembered what I had heard in the meetings and read in the literature about the dangers of standing still and baulking. I knew I had to move forward and make those amends. So, that is ultimately what I did. I started with my mother and my family. I told them, “I have come to ask for forgiveness for my behaviour and the harm I caused through my drinking, and to offer to make amends wherever possible.”
From my family, I moved on to my neighbours, and then to the wider community. To my relief, the amends were received incredibly well. A few people were shocked and surprised, not really knowing what to say, but the overall message was simply, “Keep doing what you’re doing.” Because I was only 20 years old at the time, I didn’t have a vast range of amends to make. It was mostly my family, neighbours, and the community I had disrupted as a direct result of my drinking. Once those were completed, the majority of my amends were done, and I felt immensely grateful. I will always remember a specific 15-minute walk from my college to the bus stop. As I walked, the Promises (BB pp.83-84) literally came true for me; I felt them deeply. I felt a massive flood of freedom, happiness, and joy.
Having made those amends, I knew my sobriety was truly anchored. As I write this now, over 20 years and four months have passed without a single return to alcohol. Today, I view the amends from a completely different angle. At the time, I thought I was only making amends for my alcohol-fuelled behaviour. But through living sober, I have come to see that it is actually our ego-driven behaviours that cause pain and harm to others in sobriety. Today, my daily practice is to ensure I am not running on self-will, and that I am not harming my family through ego-driven actions. The long-term game for me is to stay out of self-will as much as possible and live life rooted firmly in the spiritual principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. Cleaning up the past was the purpose of Step Nine.
Now I am living a new way of life, the sober way. Steps Ten to Twelve are how I live sober and this is a lifelong process, one day at a time. Without doubt AA has been the best thing I have done. Without it I would have been dead a long time ago!
JAMIE P, Plymouth