Many thanks to Anne, member of Dumbarton Tuesday 12 noon (originally printed September, 2017)

What brought you to AA?
I couldn’t stop drinking and knew there was something seriously not right about the way I drank. I kept saying to myself “This has got to stop” but I was terrified of stopping. I would come to feeling rough with a constant screaming need for drink. I couldn’t do anything without a couple of drinks in me. I was on long-term sick leave from work with ‘stress and anxiety’. I’d made sure that my GP didn’t put ‘nervous debility’ because as far as I was concerned anyone who had that on a sick line was an alkie and I was far too posh for that!

Was there one thing that made you realise you had a problem with drink?
Not one thing but the strain of living a lie, pretending to the world that I was  fine had become too painful and difficult. I wanted the world to think I was still the person I thought I was. The balls I was juggling in the air were crashing down on top of me. I was always crying. I hated the way I was. I had a long period of coming in and going back out again before I got sober and during that time alcoholism stripped away at me and my life. I would get dressed up, put on some make-up and go to a meeting only to be drinking again very quickly, back in the jammies and getting drink delivered by taxi.

How did you know about AA?
By the example of a friend who had been going. He said it would be good for me, that the people were nice.

How did you contact AA?
I didn’t, the friend who had told me about AA took me to a meeting in Dumbarton.

What do you remember of your first meeting?
I remember my first ever meeting with crystal clarity. I remember the two women at the top table. I got loads of identification with the sharer and the chairwoman went to great lengths to explain about the first drink.

What was your initial impression of AA?
I thought it was a fantastic place and I could see what it was doing for other people but, after an initial three months of sobriety, I started my seven awful years of in and out. I didn’t stay away from AA completely but was hardly able to stay off the drink at all. I didn’t think it was possible for me to stay off the drink long-term. I hadn’t grasped ‘one day at a time’ and I hadn’t accepted that I was alcoholic.

Was there anything you didn’t like when you came at first?
People sharing at meetings about things I didn’t think appropriate, that I thought were private and personal and shouldn’t be spoken about openly. The honesty was too much for me. I even considered pulling a top table speaker aside and telling them that. And I certainly wasn’t going to tell anyone anything about me!

Do you have a favourite AA slogan or phrase? And why?
Denial – it’s not a river but you can drown in it. I liked it because it was clever and it applied to me.

What, in particular, made a difference to you?
Three main things: the people who were put in my path when I came back in 2006, lots of meetings, and getting acceptance. Two women in particular held on to me and TOLD me what to do. This time I didn’t fade away from meetings as I had before. I needed lots and lots of meetings because the outside world was a big scary place. In meetings I was surrounded with love and I felt safe. The day I came back one man who had seen me drinking was crying when he said to me “For God’s sake Anne please stay, you’re killing yourself”. I said to him “I’m an alcoholic” and he replied, in no uncertain terms, using some colourful language “It’s not my place to say this but yes you are!” That was a crucial moment for me, I just knew, really knew that yes this was what was wrong with me, I felt it in a tangible way deep in my heart. That feeling I got when I had that conversation I regard as a blessing from my Higher Power. To me it was a spiritual experience. My Higher Power knew that I needed such a strong feeling for me to truly accept that I am an alcoholic.

How do you feel you have changed?
I’m aware of my character defects and not only that but I can work on them  – something I can find hard to do. Before coming back to AA and staying, one day at a time, I didn’t think I had any – after all I was Mrs Perfect! Four-and a-half years away from drink I got a sponsor and went through the 12 StepProgramme. That helped me immensely. Now I have to try and temper my self-centredness, selfishness, impatience and intolerance. My sponsor helped me see that it wasn’t badness but illness that was ruling my life. Doing the right thing didn’t come naturally to me, but I can do the right thing now. I can think before I speak. I’d lost the ability to be a responsible person and that’s back now.

Was there anything you found difficult to do in AA?
Sharing group duties with others. I mean, for goodness sake, don’t people know the right way to line up cups or put biscuits on a plate? One time a group member accidentally sat on the bag of rolls I was about to butter. I felt as if I was about to explode or have a breakdown. She just laughed and said “Och they’ll be fine”. Years later she can’t remember this but I do.

What has AA done for your family?
It gave them back peace of mind. They no longer have to worry about me. The trust and respect that was gone is back too. Today I look after my mum who has vascular dementia. I don’t always manage to do it with a good grace, but thanks to AA I can do it.

What does ‘putting back into AA’ mean to you?
Only by doing service and putting back into AA can I begin to repay AA for saving my life and giving me a brand new one. Being a member of a group and helping to keep a meeting open, being at meetings and sharing from the body of the hall and helping newcomers get to meetings are all important to me. I did the AA Helpline and prison sponsorship but today due to my mum’s health I only do service in my group. Doing service is good for me, seeing a newcomer just in is a stark reminder of what I was like and what’s waiting for me if I stay away from AA. I was in a desperate state when I got back but I have a built-in forgetter.

What do you say to a newcomer?
Please listen. Please, please listen. Listen to people at meetings sharing how they’re staying sober regardless of what’s happening in their lives – how they handle bad times and good times and don’t drink. I point them in the direction of the beginning of the chapter in the Big Book called More About Alcoholism where it tells us about all the methods that have been tried to control drinking and how none of them worked.

Anything else you’d like to add?
I will always need the Fellowship and the power in the rooms of AA and I hope I never forget that. I pray I never become that smart that I think I don’t need meetings. I can’t do it on my own. Someone said to me “I can’t, you can’t, but we can”.