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The Problem…and the Solution

MY name is Bob I am a very grateful alcoholic. Today I have just had a great day with a very good friend of mine who has spoilt me rotten. After a delicious roast dinner, a nice relaxing walk, and a coffee, I was treated, in a coffee shop, to a slice of Victoria sponge with fresh cream, raspberry jam, and my favourite, additional Cornish clotted cream; it was fantastic.

I am writing this on the eve of my 30th AA birthday. 30 years ago, today, I was living in Bristol. At 29 years old I had lost everything. I had drunk myself to a complete wreck. I had been drinking around the clock for 24 hours a day, and the effect of drinking had stopped working. I was feeling utterly scared of what I had become; with three-to-four days of facial growth, my head and knuckles split open, covered in sick and blood, and shaking like a leaf and sweating profusely. With the DTs I really didn’t know what to do at that point or which way to turn. I really wanted to end it all. I was stumbling on the streets early in the morning and I saw a block of high-rise flats. I thought jumping off the roof would be the solution. Even when I wasn’t looking for and didn’t want any help, my Higher Power was there looking after me. The doors were on an electric timer to unlock at 7am. I was too early. Distraught, I fell to the ground with my head in my hands.

At this point, I was staying with a newlywed couple. Unfortunately, I had managed to completely ruin their magical wedding day. I staggered back to theirs. I had never felt so alone and in such a mess, I wrapped myself in my quilt. After waking up, I could see the car and streetlights shining through my window. I knew I needed help. A friend who had been in my position not so long ago came to mind. I made my first step for help and called him. I drove to his house, and he welcomed me into this home. We talked for hours. After supplying me with bread, butter, jam, and endless cups of tea with plenty of sugar, he said I had a problem with drinking. I threw it back at him that every 29-year-old drank as I did. Unfortunately, things were extremely bad at this point as every time I drank, it would end in trouble and the consequences were getting worse each time.

He insisted that I attend an AA meeting with him. It was the last place I wanted to go; however, we ended up in an old wooden Scouts’ hut for my first AA meeting. As we walked in, we passed a bar with optic pumps and glasses. I was utterly confused. I looked again and realised there weren’t any barrels or bottles. I was offered a drink of tea or coffee, which was the last thing I wanted, but a lady gave me a cup of tea and with DTs, I spilt more than I drank. I walked into the big hall, and I couldn’t help but notice everyone was reasonably dressed. It was very overwhelming and surreal and not what I imagined.

Everyone was so friendly and talking nicely to each other. Standing next to me was a big chap dressed in a suit who put his arms around me and said, “Keep coming back Bob, we will love you till you can love yourself.” I thought this chap was after something. We sat at a table at the back of the room. The meeting started and I listened to a man who sat near the front, sharing. What he shared was almost word for word my story. I elbowed my friend in horror as I thought he told him what to say. It was so similar. As I stood saying the Serenity Prayer, hearing the word God was more than I could handle. Surely if there had been a God, I wouldn’t have had to live through all the suffering and trauma I had endured. The following night at my next meeting, a few men gave me their phone numbers.

I made a short trip home to Cornwall for Christmas. I was hoping to get my partner and family back but unfortunately, I was unsuccessful. I went back to Bristol on December 31st. I was in Bristol for just a few days before I left, with thick snow on the ground and nowhere to go or live except my old car which had no tax, insurance or MOT as my addiction meant I couldn’t afford them. I drew my last £20 out of the bank. I called my dad who I hadn’t spoken to for a long time. I had no idea what we spoke about, just that the conversation seemed to last for ages. He asked what I was going to do, and for the first time in my life, I had no clue. My dad asked me to do something for him, “Get in your car, come home to Cornwall.” I was completely out of options, so I agreed and drove back. That’s when my real recovery started.

ROBERT

…And the solution

MY first meeting just after Christmas was extremely emotional. It felt that everybody was sharing how wonderful Christmas was – except mine which was completely awful. I had so many thoughts and mixed feelings, my head was busted. I needed to leave immediately. I was so angry and frustrated as I stood up, I threw the table in the air. The guy who was taking the meeting asked me not to rush off and encouraged me to wait until the end so we could have a quiet chat. He was an ex-paratrooper so wasn’t intimidated by my attitude. He tried to explain I needed to have a better understanding of the word ‘God’ within the Twelve Steps. He offered me to use his God as it was big enough for us both. I looked at him and thought he had come down with the last shower of rain.

He told me that I needed to put as much effort into getting to my meetings as I did when I needed to get my drink. I found my meetings, with seven evening and one daytime meeting, they covered the entire length and breadth of Cornwall. Knowing that I had to get to them, I would walk, catch a bus, or my new friend and some guys who had cars all went together. I started to recover one day at a time. I struggled with the Twelve Step Programme and needed a lot of help with learning how to deal with everything going on in my life, present and past.

Some of the AA meetings were held at the local mental health unit. Through this, I was fortunate enough to meet a counsellor who offered me additional one-one counselling support, which helped me immensely in dealing with some of my issues. I also started to work the Twelve-Step Programme with a volunteer who did telephone duty which offered additional support for those in crisis. My new friend became my sponsor. I worked through my Steps and met with him every couple of weeks. We progressed a bit at a time until we had been through all the Twelve Steps. It was a tough and painful process. Whilst I was drinking, I wasn’t a nice person. Step Five I had to tell my story and all my life harms I had done to others. I admit Steps Four to Seven were extremely hard and scary. I feared I was being judged.

After three years sober, I went to live in Southampton. I was at a really low point at one of my meetings. I had got myself into some trouble and was due in court. This is when I met my second sponsor. We became really close, always there and never judging me. Not only did he welcome me into his family, but I became part of it. I loved him like a brother. He encouraged me not only to look after myself but respect myself. I lived in Southampton for eight or nine years.

Over the years, the number of AA meetings increased all over the world and AA conventions started. I was privileged to attend some of the conventions, including Blackpool with the biggest crowd I have ever been a part of – 7000 people celebrated the 50 years of AA in this country. I had a fantastic time with my friends and their families. In total, there were over 100 of us from Southampton. I attended the Blue Bonnets in Dumfries several times where some great comical and brilliant memories were made.

My sponsor became ill with cancer. After struggling living at home, he spent his last few weeks in a care home. At this point, I had moved back to Cornwall. Losing him really cut me up, but with the support of AA, I managed to work through the loss. After 18 months in Cornwall, I moved to Middlesex. I returned to driving HGV lorries all over Europe, delivering mobile phones, aeroplane parts and engines. Due to my job, I didn’t get the opportunity to attend many meetings. However, the Big Fellow was looking out for me yet again. My closest AA meeting was only four doors away from my home, allowing me to attend more meetings any chance I got – good days and bad days. This helped with keeping me sober one day at a time. I gained some fantastic friends all over the country, but unfortunately, I lost some due to illness, taking their own life, losing their sobriety, or through crime.

I still have a sponsor today. I have found the God of my understanding. The ‘Big Fellow’ who has always been with me to help me through the good and bad times. I haven’t had to take a drink even when my life has been unmanageable. It’s strange to say that for me the Twelve-Step Programme is an ongoing process and has been since finding recovery. I have been back to Step One many times during my recovery. The rewards of getting sober have been immense. It’s enabled me to help others in their recovery and to be able to give away what’s been so freely been given to me. Seeing others getting better, and more importantly, getting well is my biggest reward.

I remember to take one day at a time, attend my meetings, and I listen to AA audiobooks, I pray every day. I’m also in the process of improving my maths and learning how to use a computer. I am very privileged and proud to be a member of AA. Without all of the above, I wouldn’t have made it to my 30th birthday. I am involved with the service during my meetings; washing up, emptying ashtrays, putting chairs and tables away, taking meetings, and giving away what was given to me freely. This helps keep me sober. I am full of gratitude for all the support and friendship I have received since becoming a member of AA.

ROBERT