That Little Voice
ONE drink for me will ALWAYS lead to that loss of self-control. Which in turn will lead to hiding drink around the house, lying to my husband, and hating myself, which leads to more drinking, and so the downward spiral inevitably continues. Intellectually I know this, have been reminded of it by the stories I hear in the Rooms, by my own experiences, by the articles I have read in this very magazine.
And yet that little voice is still there, that demon on my shoulder, whispering in such comforting tones that it’s fine now, I’ve been working at this for so long that I deserve just a little break. I’ve been sober so long, one little drink won’t hurt, right? It’s my husband’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, Christmas, New Year… I’m not selfish enough to let my loved ones drink alone, right? After four-plus years of sobriety, that little voice hasn’t lost its seductive charm. And the memories of how awful it was, how bad I got, can and do fade.
At this time of year especially, it’s so important for me to keep those memories of my last drinking spree clear in my mind, to drown out that little voice with my own voice as I share. Only by being in this wonderful AA community and doing what I can to support others as they so selflessly support me, can I keep the little voice and the blaring visions of how happy a drinking life can be away. And it feels less and less like work or a struggle with each day. Each time I take the help and support AA provides and do what I can to pass it on to others, I feel stronger, calmer, and better about myself.
Maybe that little demon will always be there, always be as insistently seductive. But I have come to realise that’s okay as AA and all the strength it provides will always be there too. All the wonderful friends I have made and all the things I have learned in sobriety will always be with me now, keeping me sane, keeping me centred, and most of all keeping me sober. I am so grateful as always to everyone in these Rooms for that strength and support.
Thank you all so much.
Yours in Fellowship.
ROBBIE H, Northampton
