“I came to AA to stop drinking and because I was hurting – I got a whole lot more than that though.”

If I look back at my behaviour as a drinker, I shudder – I would sack me within a minute if I was the boss!

Before my geographical from Chester to the Scottish Highlands, I was out of control. I had no sense of responsibility, no sense of safety (mine or the team’s) and no sense of appropriate behaviour. I managed hotels and it was the perfect environment for my drinking to develop into a nice well-rounded alcoholic habit!

I had always drank alcoholically since my teenage years and fitted my drinking to suit the work or shift pattern I had at the time – I never lost a job because of my drinking, I was incredibly good at covering for myself and also tended to gravitate to those who drank like me. In my last role before moving, I had to do 24-hour shifts at two hotels and I started off by just having one drink after shift before going to bed. This drink soon became two, became three and more. I would take a bottle or two to bed with me over the road and would be up for the early breakfast shift with no problems – or so I thought. I soon discovered the morning drink and that I could hide it in black coffee. I also discovered the on-call phone signal would stretch to the pub next door and so I would start my afternoons there before showing my face at the hotel. Finish with the drinks before bed and then start again the next morning. I was holding it together…or so I told myself.

Soon the complaints started coming in, not just whispered ones between staff but online reviews mentioning the drunk manager on duty in the bar. I still remember swearing blind to my boss that the date was wrong on the CCTV and it was not me on duty! I honestly don’t remember doing anything useful in that role, I’ve no idea what I filled my shifts with – I think I just had ‘fun’ with the team and some of the guests who drank like I did. Things were starting to crack and I knew I was on my way out. I lived a very separate life to my husband who certainly did not drink how I did and I looked for other jobs and in Scotland I landed!

I moved north several months before my husband did and my drinking continued with the same pattern. This time though, I had no friends here and the people I was drinking with were not going to look out for me or keep me safe. Jobs changed, drinking patterns changed and it got darker and darker and I slowly cut myself off from everyone.

Fast forward several years and I found myself at my first AA meeting. I was in a very dark and lonely place, I didn’t want to be here anymore but also didn’t want to carry on as I was – I was stuck in my own version of hell.

I came to AA to stop drinking and because I was hurting – I got a whole lot more than that though. The colour came back into life; I remember so clearly hearing the bees buzzing and smelling the flowers the first summer I was sober. I became a useful member of my family and society. I learnt to love my husband, family and importantly, myself. Nearly a year after getting sober I started a new job, 10 years later I still have the same job, the longest I have stayed in any role and I’m still sober. I’m trusted to work from home, organise itineraries and logistics, I speak to hundreds of people a year at events and represent our company. Life is good and I’m so glad to be alive.

I still shudder when I think about how I behaved in previous roles and if I ever see my old bosses again, I am ready to make my amends.

Anonymous