Newfound Hope
FOR as long as I can remember, I’ve felt broken. As a child I would witness my peers playing and seemingly having fun, not a care in the world. For myself however, I could not relate. I simply could not understand any of it. Raised in a loving household, I felt miserable all the time. I just couldn’t make sense of anything, so I withdrew into my self-induced prison of misery. Suicidal thoughts plagued my mind too frequently, a couple of ignorant attempts to take my own life, I just wanted the hurt to stop. Desperate to find what I could possibly be so miserable about, my Mum had me visit psychologists and counsellors. This resulted in being medicated and only supported my feeling of being broken. As a result, I was gifted with a freedom which every child envied; anything that could shed any glimpse of joy was considered.
Early experimenting with drink was allowed but not endorsed. “If you’re going to do it, it’s going to be in my house and under my supervision,” my mum explained. The consequences were few, in that mum would excuse me from class when the hangovers were too bad for me to function. After a while, my family thought it best I seek Alcoholics Anonymous. Again, I was introduced to a world which I couldn’t relate to. The only thing my arrogance would allow me to comprehend was what not to do and how far not to go. This, unfortunately, led to a false sense of security and liberty until my mother was taken from us at a young age. My world was shattered into a million pieces and I felt abandoned. I subsequently dove straight into the deep end of anything and everything that would mask the pain. When I fell too far down the rabbit hole, I would seek sanctuary with AA, get myself cleaned up a bit and set off to repeat the cycle. This went on for most of my life.
The problem was, I never could admit I didn’t have control. Thankfully, I had found myself at the crossroads and with the help of a dear friend, I surrendered. I can wholeheartedly declare that handing everything over to my God has been the most liberating decision of my life. With the tools and confidence AA has equipped me, I can now combat life with a newfound sense of hope
ROBERT N, Plymouth