Loving Myself
OFTEN the relationship that needs the most work is the one we have with ourselves. We can’t love anybody fully until we love ourselves first and this has never come naturally to me. It’s not about how I look though; it’s about how I feel. Each and every one of us is worth it. It’s better for me to surround myself with people who make me hungry for life, touch my heart and nourish my soul. If I worry about what other people think of me, I will always be their prisoner.
Very little is actually needed to make a happy life; it’s all in me and in my way of thinking. I am changing how I view myself. I am changing what I allow and who I allow into my life but most of all, I am no longer changing myself to impress others. That self-imposed pressure to fit in and be anything other than myself is not only dishonest and destructive but also exhausting.
Courage doesn’t mean I don’t get afraid. It just means I won’t let fear stop me from trying. It means believing in myself and having faith both in my capabilities and in my limitations. Above all, I am gaining trust in myself; trust to wait and trust to embrace the uncertainties of life and enjoy the beauty of becoming the real me – the me that my Higher Power wants me to be. The only person I ever lost and needed back was myself.
Throughout my active alcoholism my story has countless broken pieces, terrible choices and ugly truths. But now it is filling with a major comeback and with some peace in my soul, by working on becoming the best version of myself I possibly can; by becoming who I really am – the real me. I must remember that no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety or worry can change the future. When I look back at my past, of course I see the pain, the mistakes and the heartache. But when I look in the mirror now, I can see strength emerging. I can see lessons learned and, for the first time in my life, I can see some pride in myself.
I can’t control what happens to me, but I can control my attitude. I am then embracing change rather than resisting it or allowing it to control me. So, no more looking outside for scraps of fleeting fulfilment, for validation, security or love – I am discovering an abundance of treasure already within me that is immensely greater than anything external can offer. Love is both a state of being and an action, love is not outside; it is deep within me. I can never lose it and it will never leave me.
BRIAN C, Farnham, Surrey
