It works
When I got to Step Eleven, I thought I would find it a shock, that I would find it hard to carry out. Having spent most of my younger years in church, God was not a word I was unfamiliar with, but I found the concept of the church’s God was different to mine. At that time, I had no idea that my concept could be different.
Most of my life I had drunk to escape my feelings of inadequacy and belonging, my self-hatred and my need for people to like me. From my complete lack of self-worth. After almost 20 years of what I thought was problematic drinking, and which I now know was alcoholism, I hit my rock bottom and was introduced to the Twelve Steps through rehab.
Working the Steps I found my God, my Higher Power. As Bill W wrote, “It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself.” (BB p.12) This was surprising but easy for me to get my head round. Something bigger than me. It wasn’t hard for me to grasp that I needed to connect with my Higher Power.
I start my day on my knees turning my will and day over to the God of my understanding. Asking for the guidance I need. I do my readings and sometimes, amazingly the answers are there. I now also use prayers that I learnt in church. “Be quick to see where religious people are right.” (BB p.87) I finish my day with my daily review, gratitude and prayers of thanks. This I now find second nature. What I find harder is meditation. My washing machine head loves to spin off into different scenarios of the truth, or even more boringly my ‘to do’ list. Meditation keeps those thoughts still and silent. I find meditation easier if I am outside, walking or sitting, as I feel more at peace in an open space.
Step Eleven, for me, gives me the opportunity to know myself, know my Higher Power and to allow my Higher Power to guide and comfort me. The answers will be there. They may not come instantly or be the ones I think I want, but they will be the right ones, and they will come if I am willing to connect. “It works—it really does.” (BB p.88)
TRACEY, Woking
