I woke up one day, homeless and broken
‘Instead of finding a life of dreams - I found a life of nightmares.’
My experience of alcohol started in early teen years, and it also started off as seeking an escape from reality and to find a life of dreams as opposed to the life full of pain and discontent that I felt I was living.
But it was a deceptive escape because all I ever found was more pain than I was ever trying to run from. Instead of finding a life of dreams – I found a life of nightmares.
I was blind to the three-fold illness until I joined AA, although in hindsight the spiritual malady was very clearly a struggle I had suffered from long before alcohol even passed these lips.
I was brought up with addiction, trauma and dysfunction all around me and the life that comes with these struggles shaped the man I was to become. As a result of my own suffering of trauma and dysfunction I was always seeking to escape how I felt within myself and around my community. I would always be looking for something that could potentially distract me and numb the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and discontent.
I went into foster care in my teens.
I would cover all these feelings and fears with a mask for the most part. Playing music and playing gigs were the love of my life. Also, folk would see me at my best. But it was a culture full of drugs and alcohol – it was also exciting and somewhat entertaining and that wasn’t always because of the music. Sometimes I was just acting a character that seemed full of life, and this put people at ease and gave them a laugh, and I sometimes believed it was really who I was until I fell out of love with the music and started focusing mostly on the drinking part. But this only added to the guilt and shame of being a selfish musician and a fraudulent one at that. So, drinking alone became the ultimate ‘ball and chain’. Metaphorically speaking.This was to become an absolute nightmare in every walk of my life.
I went from drinking to drown out the noise, to then drinking as a means to louden the silence. I was truly never comfortable or content. Despite the discomfort of being hungover, full of regret, shame and sometimes handcuffs, the thought of a sober day was terrifying. It took for me to truly hit rock bottom to surrender and become willing to do absolutely whatever was necessary. I had hit new lows, every weekend lower than the last. Each just as painful as the one before. My rock bottom finally arrived when I broke my leg in two places while drunk, thinking I was invincible and capable of doing stunts on a motorbike. I was in hospital waiting for surgery, but I couldn’t stop thinking about that next drink. I would last three days before having alcohol sneaked into hospital which only led to me deciding that a leg-brace and two crutches would be enough for me to make it to a pub nearby. This would be the start of my last spree.
I woke up one day, homeless and broken in more ways than just my leg and desperate to have a life that wasn’t filled with pain, regret, shame, guilt and unhappiness. I decided to walk through the doors of AA.
My life has completely turned around and for once in my life I wake up with a love for life and excitement for what the day may or may not hold, knowing whatever the case, I don’t want or need a drink to get through it. I can say I see life in full colour for once and the only black and white I see now are the white pages and black ink words in the big book!
I am grateful to be an alcoholic, because with the Programme and my new AA family, I have found help with more than just putting down the drink. Life’s got its ups and downs but it’s all part of God’s plans for me today. Lessons and blessings.
Marcus, Jericho House, Dundee