Head To Heart – From ‘Need To’, To ‘Want To’
“I did what my head told me to do because if I didn’t, my head told me I’d get drunk. Time passed and I began to feel better physically, mentally and spiritually. “
Fifteen years before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I somehow knew that my drinking was causing me problems. On reflection, I was causing many people around me problems for 10 years before this time. I was drinking every day, usually from 5 pm but sometimes earlier. When I picked up a drink, I always wanted to get drunk. On the rare occasions when circumstances stopped me from getting drunk, I would not pick up the first drink.
I came to my first meeting of AA around 1980. Nice people, but it did nothing for me. I didn’t go back. I tried the usual menu of methods to control my drinking but nothing worked. I tried not drinking and this worked for a brief period before I returned to my old friend.
I came to my second meeting of AA in 1996. Over the years I had lost my wife, my children, my business, my home, and most of my possessions. I tried to commit suicide. The intuition regarding alcohol that I had had 15 years before turned out to be true.
I loved being sober and I loved the Fellowship, but my ego was still in charge. I lasted six months before going back to my old friend.
Nearly four years later I was helped back through the doors. The remnants of my sanity told me I had to take this seriously. I had to do what AA suggested.
This was the beginning of my journey from head to heart. My head told me I had to surrender and admit my powerlessness over alcohol. I had to “fully concede to our innermost selves we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30). My head told me that I had to work through the Twelve Steps with my sponsor. My head told me that I had to get to lots of meetings, join a group and join in.
I did what my head told me to do because if I didn’t, my head told me I’d get drunk. Time passed and I began to feel better physically, mentally and spiritually. The days of being ‘restless, irritable, and discontented’ were less common.
Then a subtle change took place. I felt that I wanted to do these things as opposed to needing to do them. I’m happy to embrace the word surrender and accept that I’m alcoholic and there is no cure. I rarely seek discussion, but I’m happy to admit my alcoholism in public. I looked forward to meeting my sponsor and working on the Twelve Steps. Eventually, others asked if I could help them and my enthusiasm for the recovery Programme could be passed on. I look forward to meetings – all types of meetings, and have learned a lot from listening to the different experiences. I heard someone say, “To listen is to love.” The more I listen, the more I love.
I had difficulty being a member of a group in my early years simply because I had to work at night. When this prevented me regularly attending my home group, I moved to another. For me, it is important that I have a home address in AA.
The transition from need to want is not surprising. When something is this good, who wouldn’t want more of it? Our design for living has taken me from being a hopeless drunk who hurt people, to a member of society full of hope for the future. There was a time when I just had to get alcohol into me to function. Now I want to get more AA into me so I can play my part in recovery. Here are a few words from our literature that helped me write this letter to Roundabout.
“The argument between fear and pride eased as the words of the Step moved from my head to my heart … I learned that the pain of my defects is the very substance God uses to cleanse my character and to set me free.” (Daily Reflections, 11 August).
Some may read this article and think, ‘this guy’s on a pink cloud’. Perhaps this is so, however, I finally got sober in 2000. Do pink clouds last this long?
Colin I
Troon Sunday Night Group
