From Numb to Present
When I fell through the doors Alcoholics Anonymous I was broken in every way possible. Mentally, physically and spiritually. Walking into AA on my own was terrifying and for the first few months I was attending meetings but was not present. I blamed the world for my alcoholism (I did not know what this meant) and there was no way I could ever envisage life without alcohol. I had been drinking for most of my life, and considered my life as ‘normal’, but I had the gift of desperation at the end, as talked
about.
One day at a time made no sense and neither did the 12-Step Programme, and to be fair I never thought I could live without drinking nor wanted to. But I stuck around and worked slowly but surely guided by sponsorship and the Big Book. I would say I was a functioning alcoholic but had a very empty life in the last 10 years.
My first two years in AA I was functioning sober. I was very cynical and resistant about recovery, the Programme and the Higher Power concept, but at that point had never fully surrendered to a God of my understanding, my HP. The only person I was fighting with was myself as it turns out. I would always be on the defence but have learned so much about self-will in the process.
I do not find sober living easy. I have struggled with many challenges but only because of the support I received, sponsorship and my HP have I stayed strong enough not to pick up the first drink.
Being restored to some form of sanity, my change of thinking highlights how much harm I had caused other people; my life had been chaos and I was responsible for a lot of worry and concern to others. My behaviours and thinking are so much better but I/we have to work on it on a daily basis. I was definitely a ‘victim’ in the beginning but not so now. Working the Programme has taught me accountability, responsibilities, boundaries and self-respect and given me freedom from my insanity.
Some relationships in my recovery remain painful and healing is a work in progress. I live with honesty instead of shame and believe I no longer have to run away from my feelings. My emotions are now my healing and I am so grateful for so much.
I am now three years and three months sober. My head is not constantly busy: I have been working through a lot of areas in life but I believe I can get through what is next on my journey. We are all indeed miracles and life is opening up a bit, there is laughter again. I take nothing for granted and I am grateful for the Fellowship as it has indeed saved my life. Recovery has given me hope. Life is quieter now and I am present.
I have been given a second chance and I hope I can be of use to others and give back to others what was freely given to me.
One day at a time.
Thank you.
Maureen M
Ness Bank Inverness