Entirely Ready
MY name’s Bill and I’m an alcoholic. Moving on, letting go, handing over, and giving up the chains of my past. That’s the journey I’ve taken using the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Where I started by looking within Step One, to see what my problems were. Powerlessness and unmanageability.
The process of moving on from my last drink to a life free from the need, or the want, to return to alcohol is something that AA hopes to achieve. The Twelve Steps are but a beginning as they build a spiritual connection, maybe a bridge, between my old life and the one I’m moving into. Getting sober is a process. It’s a stepping stone – a meander, even a trudge – from the degradation that alcohol caused to a life free from the torments of my low self-worth and so many unhappy memories.
Within this process is Step Six, where I’m asked to be entirely ready to let go of my character defects. Step Six is about making a decision – a decision to move on, a decision to let go, a decision to liberate. To find myself in a place where, for once, I was truly committed to leaving behind the negativity of my past. I was in very early sobriety when I took this Step. Was I entirely ready? Well, I was as ready as I could be at the time. Whilst I didn’t fully understand the enormity of what was being asked of me, I did know one thing. I needed to at least be willing, and to find a thirst for a sober future.
The problem with my alcoholism, as with my character defects, was one of familiarity. I’d grown up with them and they’d become as much a part of my life as my breathing. They were the very DNA of my being. Losing them and moving on, was a big ask. Life without them would be a complete unknown. I had to trust in the process, where the first decision was that of forgiving myself. Having forgiven myself, then could I move forward into a world of letting go. Anything had to be better than staying in my old, tired, comfort zone. Committing those parts of my past into the loving hands of something I didn’t understand was key to my stopping drinking – alongside taking a leap of faith from the familiar to the unknown. I’d survived all my life with the negativity and the pain that drinking brings so breaking free was not going to be easy. I felt safe in the resentment-driven days of my alcoholism.
Taking that leap of faith into the darkness of the unknown was going to present me, with two options – I’d be given wings to fly, or I’d be shown something solid I could land on. Either way, I had to open a door to some willingness, to some faith, and to courage. Trusting in my past selfish judgments, my lop-sided ego, and that driven self-righteousness, never did get me anywhere except into trouble and conflict. Coming to believe in the process on offer in Step Six was not only a good idea, it was now my only option.
I’d tried everything else, with no success. It was now all down to me. Following some good orderly direction and believing that what I saw in others was now mine for the asking – a contented sober life. The only thing that sat between the life I was leaving, and my new world was me giving up trying to run the whole show. It was, in essence, the start of finding the key to my future and that key lay in the word ‘humility’. The humility mentioned in the next Step. It was the beginning of an acceptance. An acceptance that all I’d previously been driven by was now unacceptable. It was the end of clinging on to a life in free-fall, and the start of embracing one that contained hope. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean approval. I didn’t have to approve but I did need to accept that of myself I was doomed.
Step Six was where change began. It was the start of turning the super tanker of my self-will, my inflated ego, and my self-centred fear around. Even if I wasn’t entirely willing, just finding a little spark of hope, maybe a vision, was enough. Where finding that first shaft of light, even a glimmer, was where this new life free of hurting myself and others could at last begin. There is, fortunately, no perfectionism in recovery. All that is needed, was to find a key. A key within me, to unlock the door of my alcoholism. A door that had been closed to new thoughts, ideas and directions for far too long.
I’d survived so many difficult situations, so many life-changing experiences in my drinking, that this Step by comparison was so small. But it was a new beginning towards a liberated life and towards freedom. I was once entirely ready to drink myself into oblivion every day. So why wouldn’t I become entirely ready to take this Step? To be entirely willing to step towards a bright, new, spiritually-focused future.
BILL THE SHIRT, Bristol
