Back to basics
MY drinking was by no means the sole reason for my offending, but it certainly played a large part in enabling it. I’m not certain it would have happened if I had been sober, or at the very least able to stop my drinking in those brief moments of sobriety when I knew how wrong my actions were. Even after my initial arrest, I was still not able to admit my alcoholism until I was challenged by my therapist whom I started working with whilst on police bail. She encouraged me to attend an AA meeting, just to see how things went. It took another incident where I drank the entire alcohol supply I had purchased for the week in a matter of hours, before I was able to take the first step and walk through the doors.
Even then, I white-knuckled my way through the Programme for a few months, in denial until I read the first four chapters of the Big Book and had my first ‘spiritual awakening’. I saw myself so clearly in the text, not just in the last few years when my drinking had spiralled out of control, but throughout my entire life since I had my first drink. Recovery certainly wasn’t an easy road and there were a few moments where I could easily have slipped were it not for the wise words I’d been passed in previous meetings. I remember an incident where I was walking past hundreds of happy drinkers in a bar alongside Brighton beach. An awful memory had triggered my alcoholic mind, so clutching a three-month sobriety chip in my hand, I promised myself that I could drink tomorrow. Just not today! I got on a train and managed to get myself to an evening meeting. Were it not for that, I don’t think I would have made it that day, and I honestly don’t believe I would have survived that year if I had started drinking.
I decided to write in again after Share’s request for articles on Step Ten and Eleven. It’s fair to say my AA Programme has come to a halt, mostly because there is no AA presence within this prison, and the substance misuse team do not seem particularly interested in helping me start one. In a way I can understand this – prisons are overrun with drugs and ours is no exception. Drugs are available to anyone who wants them. And though hooch (illegally brewed alcohol) is part of this, other drugs are a much larger problem. I assume the lion’s share of their efforts therefore goes on tackling this. Though I am happy to help as much as I can with addiction in general, I miss the Fellowship of AA and the guiding presence this gave my life. As a result, I have to admit my belief in my HP has waned severely. I rarely pray or meditate, and I can’t remember the last time I performed a conscious Step Ten.
So, what have I done instead? Firstly, I have a subscription to Share magazine which is a wonderful resource and I’m so very grateful to those who Share their Experience, Strength and Hope in these pages. Additionally, in the past I held mini meetings with another on the wing who knew he needed to never drink again but hadn’t found the message like I had. Though this went well initially, he moved to another prison within a few months, and I don’t know if he really understood everything I was attempting to communicate through my own experiences when he left. I pray that he has found a better AA experience where he has gone and he is able to maintain his sobriety through this. I have an AA postal sponsor which is a great service and I’m incredibly grateful to the person who partakes in it. But as you can imagine, sending and receiving a letter every few weeks is no substitute to a Room of alcoholics to regularly share with.
And the final thing I can do is this – give back by writing my own experiences and sending them in to Share. It’s here that I can reflect on what I know I need to do, which is go back to basics. Number one, I know I should pray every day when I wake, even if it’s just to ask my HP for another day of sobriety. Number two, to do the same each night and express my gratitude for another sober day. And number three is to make sure I am doing my Step Ten and Eleven, taking time to pray, meditate and just listen to my HP. I know from my past that taking this time will enhance my life no end, helping to bring me back to the place of serenity. Despite all the madness I am confronted with every day in this place. So, I am making a commitment to start doing that again now. And I am making a commitment to continue writing to let you all know how I am doing. It’s not a meeting but a moment, I think it’s the closest I can get to achieving this. God bless you all.
TONY, HMP