All Is Well
MY name is Jonathan and I’m an alcoholic. Being an alcoholic does not make me devoid of reason, moral compass or a desire to do the right thing. I don’t believe that it makes me somehow apart from non-alcoholics when it comes to the daily gambit of emotions, motivations, reactions or intentions. My struggle is to be able to make a clear assessment of my emotions and circumstances as they are and apply a balanced God-directed response to them. As far as I can remember I have struggled with this. I always seemed to want more attention than other youngsters, always seemed to be more needy, always felt alone or apart. As an attempt to either cover up for this or to resolve it, I would resort to more and more outlandish actions which only served to set me further apart. As a teenager I was introduced to alcohol and for a short while at least, I felt relaxed, more confident and that I belonged. All I had to do was to drink like a man.
The needy impulse soon kicked in, and I’d compete to drink the most intoxicating alcohol, and I drank more of it more regularly. Hangovers, embarrassing situations, lies and deceit all became regular events. The mental obsession to drink beckoned more regularly and the allergy coupled with my character defects condemned me to drink to blackout. In short order the angel’s voice in my head was shut out and my life was on a singular path of destruction. Thankfully I reached out for help and a Fellow in Alcoholics Anonymous brought me to my first meeting. The first nine Steps helped me end the obsession to drink and introduced me to a Power greater than myself. They introduced me to an honest assessment of myself and helped clear away the wreckage of the past. During these early days my sponsor initiated me into a Step Ten mentality, taking inventory each evening. Had I had a drink? Had I harmed anyone? Should anyone be added to my Step Nine list?
If anything was still troubling me the following morning, then he and I would discuss it in our regular daily check-in call. This was so I could commence each day with a clear mind, free of worry or resentment. Ready to live a sober day, ready to be of maximum service. If in doubt, do nothing, very little in life will get worse if I do not meddle with it! Gently I was being introduced to a regular practice of inventory and meditation. I needed to learn how to open the channel to that angel within. When in doubt my sponsor invariably took me back to Step Three, “Where is the God in all this Jonathan?” was a frequent question. I was to learn that Step Ten is more than a discreet event of daily journaling, although that is useful. It became more like an attitude to life, a constant process of questioning. As I became more aware of my thoughts and feelings, I came to understand myself and what was going on around me from the perspective of my Higher Power’s direction, not mine.
Gradually the selfish conflicts within me started falling away. I learned that emotions will not get me into trouble, but my reactions might. There existed within me a kaleidoscope of emotions. Anger wasn’t anger, it was fear. Fear expressed as frustration, powerlessness, loss – I couldn’t work with anger, but all these other more nuanced emotions expressed as fear could be worked on. Had I not learned this in my Steps Four and Five? What relevant experience from these Steps can I draw upon today for this current upset? Once I have identified the problem source within me, I can seek the solution. The Programme teaches me I am powerless over people, places and things, but powerful over myself. So, what can I do? What would my God want me to do? The sooner my Step Ten inventory alerted me to an emotional imbalance, the less chance that I would cause an issue with a knee jerk reaction, a word or action out of place. Stop,Think, Listen, Act became watchwords for me.
Recently I heard a lovely thing at a meeting, ‘pause’ – Prevent Another Ugly Scene Entirely. The Twelve-Step Programme is a Programme of change, and I was being given the tools to embark upon it. It’s thanks to the Programme and the Fellows in meetings who have guided me with their experience that I see I’m not alone in all the feelings. That I do not need to fight or flight, that I can sit in a situation however threatening it might feel, and be aware. Breathe, pray and accept that everything is just as it is meant to be. All is well. Thank you, AA.
JONATHAN, Reeth