A Personal Reflection On A Higher Power
My Higher Power today has nothing to do with the God I heard about in religious classes at school – that version felt empty and distant. I always got top grades in religion and could recite prayers and commandments flawlessly, but even as a child, I was already asking hard questions. My teacher would just say, “You’re too young to understand,” and leave it at that.
I went to church because my mother dragged me there. I prayed sometimes, usually when I was scared (mostly at home, and because of my father), but it wasn’t real — I didn’t feel anything. Later in life, before I came to AA, I would argue passionately that God didn’t exist, that it was all programming and superstition. My mother, with her simple hope and faith, would tell me, “You have to believe and hold onto hope.” And I would think, “Poor woman, still stuck in that system.” And then everything changed — when I came into the Fellowship.
At first, I didn’t even know what was happening inside me. That ‘hole in the soul’ that I had from a very young age, that feeling that something was missing, started slowly to be filled, thanks to the 12-Step Program, working with my sponsor and a couple of old-timers (‘wise owls’ I call them) that had a lot of sober years and tons of experience.
I was also fortunate to be able to attend many conventions, region meetings and Intergroups that kept me busy and interested. But as I kept coming to meetings and listening, two words started to take root: acceptance and gratitude.
Acceptance helped me look at life just as it was — not how I wished it would be. I began to accept my illness, my situation, my pain. And by doing that, I could finally stop fighting.
I had spent years in warrior mode. As a girl, I idolised the strong women of literature and I wanted to be like them – fierce, untouchable, unbreakable. But the truth was, I was exhausted. I had fought for years — especially in court, fighting for custody of my children after a very acrimonious break-up with their father. It consumed all of me — my energy, my health, my spirit. I was depleted – operating in a victim mode was killing me.
So, when I finally learned how to surrender — to hand things over to a Higher Power, however I understood it — I felt like a 100-kilo weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Suddenly, I didn’t have to carry it all alone; I wasn’t a victim anymore, I was a survivor. That’s when I realised something profound: the world doesn’t revolve around me.
I’m part of something bigger. And there’s a force — something greater than me, greater than all of us — that I can lean on, trust, and follow.
Believing in that power doesn’t make life easy, but it makes it possible.
Because now I know: I already have everything I need inside me — not just from myself, but through that Higher Power.
I began to experience what the Big Book calls “spiritual moments”. At first, I stumbled into them, little God-coincidences — when something in my life worked out in a way I never could have orchestrated on my own. Bit by bit, the puzzle of my life started to make sense.
I started feeling grateful — even for the hard things.
I once got hit with an unexpected, large bill — and still, I felt thankful that I was able to pay it. Prayer stopped being a routine. I began to ask God not for what I wanted, but to show me His will, and to give me strength — mostly for others, not just for myself. I began to talk with my Higher Power. Not up in the clouds — but within me, because I truly believe we were created in His image.
Not long ago, I even experienced something my sponsor called ‘flow’ — that rare state of alignment, where you feel connected to God and to life in the moment. I had to call her and ask, “What is happening to me?” And she helped me name it. But let me be honest: spiritual growth is not some magical fairy tale. Not every day do I joyfully hand over my will and life to my Higher Power. Not everything is rosy. Unicorns don’t fly. I still wrestle with the messiness of daily life — with emotions, fears, and the constant question: “Why this? Why now? Am I moving anywhere?” But now I know — I don’t have to go through it alone. Thanks to meetings, my sponsor, and my sober friends, I have a much greater chance of getting back on track when I lose my way.
And you know what? It still amazes me how beautifully and intuitively our Fellowship was designed by Bill W. and Dr. Bob. So often, when I feel off, overwhelmed, or disconnected, I just need to do some simple things: pick up the phone; attend a meeting; talk to another alcoholic; try to help another human being. And without fail, I start to feel better. That human connection? That’s where my Higher Power works best. Sometimes that’s all it takes. And I’ve discovered something else: I don’t have to control everything. My job is to live today — just for today — the best I can. Do my part, then let God handle the rest.
I don’t feel my Higher Power every day. but I don’t need to feel Him to trust Him.
Because faith isn’t always fireworks. Sometimes, faith is just a quiet decision: “I’ll trust — even if I don’t understand.” Like everything in life, it all starts with a decision and repetition. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but there has to be some action. And because of that decision… I’m alive – and I’m not alone!
Lena
Fort William