A letter to my drinking self
“Why didn’t you address those things that hurt you so much? If you had done so would alcohol have had such an effect on the years that followed?”
Dear Lyn,
When I first saw this as a theme, I got overwhelmed with thoughts as to what I would say. The chance to confront the me – as I was then, in those dark days, was scary – but exciting too.
The teenage me when I first found alcohol as a way to hide the very shy, introverted and very hurt me. Hurt with the things I should have addressed instead of hiding them in the bottom of a bottle.
Why didn’t you address those things that hurt you so much? If you had done so, would alcohol have had such an effect on the years that followed? Did the demon drink manage to blot it out? No, it didn’t. For those hours that you drank away the feelings only for them to rear their head again when your eyes opened in the morning. With those banging headaches, nausea, shaking and craving for that first drink that stops those symptoms of your disease. And the occasional times when you awake and you swear never to drink again. But come 4 pm you’re downing that first glass of wine. Your good intentions never lasted more than 24 hours.
Do you know how much pain you caused your family? You always thought you were never hurting anyone. They were just trying to steal your joy. You were only having fun. Everyone drinks and just needs to unwind after a day’s work. Regardless of the fact that you had already struggled through the day with a hangover. You were ready to inflict the same damage the day after. Going into work with vulnerable people and not being at the top of your game, in fact, sometimes you were so hungover that you were most likely a danger to those patients.
Do you know how many family occasions you ruined? The Christmases, weddings, even funerals. Everyone else would have tea at the funeral tea but you’d have the drink. Christmas was always over for you by 5pm when you’d be put to bed in disgrace. And always there would be an argument with someone, most often your husband.
You also spoiled your son’s events. School sports, football matches, karate competitions and – when he was older and at his wedding – you were in your hotel room swigging extra drinks during the evening and missed the cutting of the cake and the first dance. These are things you can never get back. You didn’t half mess up back then. But all you can do now is take that sobriety you have worked so hard for and keep putting in the work. Every day ODAAT. And to know how proud your family is of you now is such a privilege that you have to continue to strive to keep the love and respect you have earned so far…yes so far…you can never get complacent.
Lyn
Aberdeenshire
