When…not if!
STEP Ten is the first of my ‘maintenance Steps’, together with Eleven and Twelve. A daily habit which took time to establish and is flexible but essential to living to “…good purpose under all conditions…” (12&12 p.88)
I suppose I began practising a quick look at myself at the end of the day fairly early in recovery, and I learned to express my gratitude by writing a gratitude list each night. This was helpful but somewhat perfunctory. I well remember a conversation I had with my sponsor a few months into recovery. We were at his home, and he asked me, “What does Step Ten say?” Proudly, (most things I said then were said proudly) I rattled off Step Ten, “Continued to take personal inventory and if we are wrong, promptly admitted it.” “IF”, he screamed, with a couple of expletives. “IF!! It doesn’t say IF. It says WHEN. When we are wrong. We all make mistakes, Phil. Even you!!” I was humbled, humiliated.
I got the Big Book and looked it up, just to make certain he was right, and therefore I was wrong. Oh dear. I had to admit it. I was wrong, I did not like that feeling one little bit, which has certainly helped me to avoid being a cocksure idiot again, at least most of the time. He explained some techniques for taking inventory each day. Using the literature (BB p.84) I learned to watch for “…selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.” I tried to ‘cease fighting’ by stopping myself being judgemental, especially about politics, news etc. I stopped reading newspapers. I stopped watching late night news or discussion programmes and found a more peaceful end to my day. I focussed on my wife and family; on my work; on what service could I perform for AA. The thought of drinking did leave me, but not by any conscious effort on my part.
I began to learn about the ‘spot-check’ inventory during the day, sometimes many times a day. I learned to walk away from situations rather than jump in and escalate it, or as sometimes happened, I had to intervene in resolving conflict without getting emotionally involved. This has been invaluable to me as a teacher, with pastoral responsibilities. Studying the 12&12 was a great learning experience. “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.” (12&12 p.90) An axiom is like a rule, and I have found this to be true. One experience which confirmed this was when I was asked to attend an interview with a parent who had a reputation for being aggressive. My boss presented the situation, and the parent became more angry, abusive and threatening. I was also feeling the tension. Eventually my boss calmly terminated the interview, and we escorted him off the premises. I asked him how he could remain so calm. He looked at me and said, “He has got the problem, not me. I don’t have to join in.” A big lesson for me.
Step Ten in the 12&12 emphasises the need for self-restraint. This has become so important for me. When my first reaction is anger, I have learned to ask myself, “How important is it really?” And another thought, “It’s better to be happy than to be right.” I always was right! At home; at work; in the pub; playing sports; listening to news and politicians; my thinking; every part of my life was coloured by my subconscious need to always be right. When I am disturbed today, this is the first thing I check. Am I just trying to be right? not getting my own way? If so, I can laugh at my illness trying to get me off balance, hand it all over, and just get on with life.
This part of self-centredness is usually the first thing to check. Then I can move on to grandiosity. Playing the big shot. Doing things to impress you and others. Boasting and exaggerating are parts of this. I still want to buy the best there is, in whatever sphere of my life, even if its way beyond my purse. If self, or pride is not the cause of my upset I can move onto envy, greed, lust, and the other deadlies, but all of these have a root in selfishness and self-centredness. It really was all about ME! I have to make sure I do not pick up any new resentments and so I learned to think that when he/she/them upset or hurt me, that they are somehow sick. The Step Four prayer in the Big Book helps a lot. “God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.” (BB p.67)
What I am describing are my techniques to prevent my ego taking over again. These are either spot checks during the day, or an inventory before I retire. There is a third type of inventory suggested in the literature. That is an annual or semi-annual house cleaning with my sponsor, or a retreat. For many years I had the opportunity of attending a retreat, every summer. This helped me greatly. My sponsor also suggested we get together between Christmas and New Year, to check progress. This meeting took a couple of sessions, mornings or afternoons, and eventually became a mutual exchange as his sponsor had moved away. Today I try for a semi-annual housecleaning with my spiritual advisor.
The 12&12 tells me, “Courtesy, kindness, justice and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony with practically anybody.” (12&12 p. 93) I do try to practice these principles. I must, however, emphasize the truth in the saying, “I am not an evil person trying to be good; I am a sick person trying to get better.” This Step is a large part of my medicine.
PHIL M, Newcastle under Lyme