Time takes time
MY name is Adam, and I’m an alcoholic. Gosh that took me a long time to feel comfortable to say. It can feel like a horrible stigma and something shameful that you don’t want people to know. I felt like that for a long time. Whilst I’m not proud to be an alcoholic, I am proud to know so many wonderful people through this Fellowship. People that I’ve not known for a very long time that I trust.
It’s fair to say that I’ve been something of a serial relapser (if there is such a word), with 2024 being no exception unfortunately. It’s no real mystery to me as to why this has been the case. I’ve never managed to consistently work any kind of Programme as boredom and complacency has usually kicked in, or I’ve used some form of emotion – be it positive or negative – as an excuse to pick up. I manage to be sober for a month or so and then somehow convince myself that I can deal with this on my own, knowing deep down that’s absolutely not the case. This despite having gone through the same process many times.
As I write this I’ve been sober for ten days as, dare I say it, I think and hope that the penny has finally dropped – my recovery and sobriety have to take priority over EVERYTHING. That included reluctantly resigning from my job recently. A job that I really loved. I was finding it physically and mentally more demanding and ended up picking up, knowing where that would lead, and it did… Quitting before being pushed was the best thing to do I know, but I feel like it’s another failure notch for my recovery belt.
But… I woke up the other day feeling utterly useless and desperate, which I realise is a gift for someone like me. I then had a moment of clarity, perhaps even a spiritual awakening. A stark realisation that if I drink, I will never be the person I’m meant to be. Will never be of use or help to myself or anyone if I pick up. With lots of time on my hands, I decided to throw myself into meetings, doing the Step work and getting myself a sponsor ASAP.
As a consequence, right here right now, I feel a sense of freedom like never before. It may be partly a pink fluffy cloud that I’m on, but I feel there’s more to it… I’ll take that. Just for today – something it’s taken me a while to take on board. This is a 24-hour Programme for everyone, no matter how long your sobriety is. As it is written in the AA Promises, “Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.” (BB p.84) Thanks.
ADAM, Tadley, Hampshire
