The Brutal Truth
I came to the Fellowship bruised but still alive. After completing the first three Steps, the healing process began and I started to feel human again. I had heard many rumours about Step Four, and I was scared and excited at the same time. What was it going to look like for me? Would it lead to a relapse? Would this painful truth about myself destroy me? I had tried counselling, shamanic healing, sects, new religion, and I still felt hopeless. I was willing to pay all the money in the world just to feel a little better, and Step Four was supposed to be a free revelation. My sponsor at the time encouraged me to take an honest, in-depth look at myself, without excuses but also without self-punishment. I started with my resentments. How many of them I had! How could I fit all of this inside me? I saw how possessive resentment had been in my life.
I had to look at its causes and how it affected my self-esteem, pride, security, and relationships. I also had to examine my role in my personal resentment show. But wait a second – my role? I was supposed to be the victim and now it was turning out that I might have been selfish, controlling, or dishonest? I didn’t like that at all. Then came my fears, and that was terrifying. I realised how afraid I was of everything; the future, constant analysing, seeing everything in dark colours. Fear lived deep inside me; it was draining my energy without me even knowing it. Fear was in every breath and every move. I was afraid of people and their opinions. My self-centredness was massive and I felt constantly observed by the world. I couldn’t live in the moment. Next, I looked at my relationships and their patterns, and I was shocked by how manipulative and controlling I had been.
I had always considered myself generous and selfless, someone the world failed to appreciate. But the truth was that I usually had a hidden motive. I wasn’t kind because I was a kind person, I was kind because I expected something in return.That was a brutal truth. Very uncomfortable. Thanks to this discovery, I started to get to know myself. I saw how I hurt others to feel better, to boost my self-esteem. Deep inside, I was a scared child who always felt ‘less than’. I uncovered many behavioural patterns I hadn’t been aware of. Me, controlling? No way! I thought I was the one easily controlled by others. But Step Four showed me that I had often been a bully, humiliating others in a desperate attempt to feel better about myself. Funnily enough, I had always thought of myself as a nice person. Was I nice? Well, I was a massive people-pleaser. I begged for love, affection, and attention.
I would do anything to receive praise and approval. Inside I was screaming, “Please love me. Please like me.” I was terrified of being alone and desperate for love. Thanks to Step Four, I was able to look at myself from a different perspective. I was no longer just a poor victim. Very often I had been a bully and a manipulator. That completely destroyed my self-image. Was I a horrible person? No, I was just human. My sponsor helped me understand what led to certain behaviours and repeated patterns. She helped me see that deep inside I was a scared little girl who simply wanted to be loved and appreciated. The whole Step Four process was both freeing and deeply uncomfortable. I learned so much about myself and discovered a new person – vulnerable, fragile, and in need of love and acceptance. I still find it difficult to give that to myself, but I have the Fellowship and my Higher Power to help me with this every day.
I am now aware of my character defects, and thanks to that awareness I have more control over my darker side. Step Four was the best therapy I have ever had; I had never gone so deep in getting to know myself. If you want to discover who you really are, this Step will help you immensely. It won’t be easy, but it will change you for the better.
KAROLINA P, Sussex