Simple structure
MY name is Matthew, and I am an alcoholic. Growing up I always thought I was different from others. I blamed my sexuality. Growing up gay, I believed my actions were aimed at others and because of my anger at the world. I started to drink alcohol, and I lived in fear, blackout and isolation.
I drank in darkened rooms alone, I pushed family, friends and well-intentioned do-gooders away. I felt fear around people, shop assistants, making telephone calls and any form of conversation or conflict. I continued to drink, blaming others and I used alcohol to block out my emotions and fears. My drinking escalated and I became so far removed from reality I lived in constant isolation. I had no structure to my day, I woke up either drunk, hung over or dreading the consequences of the days before. My life had no path, no structure – just self-centred fear, wrapped with resentment and self-pity.
The day came where I needed help, I actually wanted help. I needed to change, or I would end up dead. So, I looked up Alcoholics Anonymous and found a meeting, the people there were friendly and welcoming. They didn’t care about my sexuality or the consequences of my past. I heard their shares and related. I wanted what they had. I asked someone what a sponsor was and if I could get one. I left with numbers from others, and I was given a list of things to do, including calling my sponsor daily. After doing these few simple suggestions, I started to wake up and I felt some hope. I started to recognise my alcoholism and reading the Big Book educated me around the disease I suffered with. I used to blame my sexuality for what I suffered with mentally, but it had nothing to do with it. I had been an alcoholic without AA.
Now, I had a structured day, I set my alarm in the morning and went to bed at the same time nearly every night. I had something to do. I committed myself to AA and my home group, I attended three meetings a week. I had a purpose. I worked the Steps and now live on the last three. I still maintain my sobriety by sticking to the simple suggestions and structure my sponsor gave me. I keep it simple; I stick close to my home group and attend meetings. I know I need to maintain my sobriety by keeping structure and reaching out to the newcomer the best way I can. I no longer fear the company of others or myself. I am seven years sober, and my gratitude for AA and my home group only lies with the actions I put into it.
MATTHEW W, Plymouth