Resentment: The Number One Offender
AA tells me that resentments are responsible for more members going back out than anything else, and the thing about resentments is that no one gives them to me, I take them.
Early in AA people did the dirty on me (of course it wasn’t my fault) and for years thereafter I plotted their downfall in my head, every day, all day. Of course these people are totally unaware of my thoughts, were getting along fine with their lives, sleeping soundly at night as I tore them to shreds in a million different painful ways. I couldn’t share this with anyone of course as I was Mr AA with the AA face for meeting members and also when attending meetings. This literally went on for years until one night I attended a meeting in Ayrshire and heard a woman sharing on resentments and she shared “I’ll get even – even worse” and it struck me like a hammer blow.
I immediately realised that I would never know peace of mind or contented sobriety (I could see these things in others) until I got rid of the hatred inside me. I sought help from older wiser members who told me to pray for these people. There was no sincerity in early prayers but given time time it got easier and my prayers for them became more genuine. Today these people rarely ever enter my thoughts and I can quickly dismiss them. Hate was a word which I knew all about but now I can honestly say that it is not in my life anymore.
Dealing with resentments I am reminded of two old timers in my area, one always saying “Stinking thinking leads to drinking” and the other “Sobriety is like a cut finger: you have to get the dirt out from the inside before it will heal”.
Sobriety is definitely an inside job.
Douglas MacL Inverness
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