On the right path
Because of the amazing effect of the pandemic, I joined a weekly group that was there to help folk who wanted to learn about meditation. Personally, even after years of time in AA, I still had a massive ego and that meant seeking God out, so starting to meditate coincided with a much more surrendered heart. I was to practise, practise, practise. I was told to concentrate on my breathing and learn that meditating is not unlike something the actual AA Programme teaches, so the only thing I needed was willingness. I was aware that this area around meditation was only difficult because the more I practised breathing in and out, the more discouraged I was getting. Why can’t I do it right? What is stopping me? What’s stopping me is unwillingness!
When I feel okay, like this morning, I do manage half an hour. I sit with my feet not crossed, I close my eyes, I attempt to relax the different parts of my body going from my head to my feet. But when I’m not okay, and even when I’m apparently disturbed and anxious, I find it really hard to have any willingness. I know that what we are asked to do all the time is to be willing but on those days when all the feelings are of darkness, pain and defiance, I simply go on strike. I almost say, “Make me feel more at peace, make me feel okay again and I will do the prayer and meditation,” but I have learnt one thing, if it does not seem to be working the chances are that I’m really on the right path. The fact that I’m writing this and wanting to share it with others tells me that after four years I’m no further on than when I started.
I also find that it helps now that I go to a regular daily prayer meeting first thing in the morning. Having some readings from the Big Book, saying our three prayers – Eleven, Seven and Three – and having a ten-minute meditation, I’m blessed that over 70 people (not all in AA) are willing to participate. The whole thing lasts 35 minutes and it’s finished before 7.30am which means the day is starting well and all is okay. Thank you for allowing me to maybe help others with this Step.
MICHAEL B
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