MY name is Tam, and I am a grateful alcoholic. I am grateful as I now have AA in my life. It has provided me with a Twelve-Step Programme which allows me to live life sober. I now have a spiritual defence against that first drink. It has given me back two things I thought I’d never feel again – peace and contentment.

My alcoholism crept up and stole so much of my life. I was riddled with fear and had become a shadow of my former self. I had an over-thinking mind which was like a washing machine on permanent spin. I seemed hell bent on self-sabotage and destroying anything and anyone that was dear to me.

I had all these questions of, “Why me?”, “Why can’t I drink like a normal person?”, “Why had I become so unreliable and miserable???”. I slowly withdrew from life as it was easier than facing my reality. I stopped answering the phone, was ignoring letters, being dishonest, hiding alcohol, cancelling important appointments and having a mountain of excuses to avoid family and friends.

My alcoholism had consumed my every waking minute, and I was exhausted. My personal hygiene and nutrition were nil, and I didn’t want to wake up anymore. I was sleeping on my mum’s sofa as I was a total mess, and she was the only one who didn’t look at me with frustration, pity or disgust. I had hit my rock bottom.

I don’t know what made me search online for AA, I had no idea what was involved with AA, but I saw that the nearest meeting was five minutes away and there was one the next day. I felt scared and looked wretched, but I still managed to get there. I was warmly greeted in a room full of healthy, happy-looking people – there was even laughter. It was completely different to what I expected. I thought everyone would be miserable and avoiding eye contact. I was told to just listen to the similarities not the differences. I had no idea about the Twelve Steps, what a sponsor was or what book they were talking about, but I was open minded. I had nothing to lose.

That night I found out what I suffered with and that there was a solution. For the first time, I could speak honestly and openly with a group of like-minded people who didn’t judge me. What a relief. That evening, I heard shares of trials and low spots, but also strength and hope. I left that evening with a sponsor and a copy of the Big Book. I knew I wanted to go back. I was willing to go to any lengths.

After learning I suffer with a spiritual malady, I just had to be willing to stop trying to run the show myself. When I’m in charge of myself, all bets are off. So, with the guidance of my sponsor and the Twelve-Step Programme I was able to have a change of thought and attitude towards how I live and feel, and to keep it just one day at a time. It showed me how to believe in a Higher Power who removes my shortcomings and allows me to live life on life’s terms.

Getting out of the way of myself and accepting my defects, wasn’t easy at first, but after experiencing the benefits it was always onwards and upwards for me. My life is the polar opposite now. I have no desire to drink, I attend regular meetings, am sponsorable, have a fantastic homegroup and do as much service as I can. It keeps me humble and grateful, giving back what was so freely given to me.

I can now be a mum, daughter, sister and friend again. What I have now is priceless. I have a future and as long as I keep trudging the road it will be an incredible journey. How blessed are we.

TAM, RtR