No more struggling
I’M Abbey and I’m an alcoholic. That word ‘alcoholic’ has always been troublesome for me. It felt so loaded and full of shame when I began my journey. My head was full of ideas about what an alcoholic was like. To me, it was someone that drank in the morning, drank spirits, had no job, money, car or family. It really was someone that had hit rock bottom and lost everything. It most certainly was not me. I had a job, a car, a family and from the outside I was a perfectly normal functioning member of society. In fact, I was proud of how it looked like I always had my stuff together.
The truth is that I was a mess on the inside. And it took me a long time to realise that ‘losing everything’ can indeed be something that happens on the inside. I started every day around 3am, waking up from passing out the night before. I would spend the early hours of the morning in a sweaty, shaky, anxious mess overthinking the day before. When the sun rose, I had to check my phone as I could never remember what I had done the night before, let alone what I had watched on telly or whether I had argued with my husband. Getting up was hard, every morning felt like a struggle. I would drag my daughter to school, often late and unhappy and find myself sat at work vowing not to drink today. Except as the morning went on, and the hangover passed I began to look forward to my evening drink – I would count down the hours. By the time I was collecting my daughter from school I was giddy and excited to drink that evening.
Getting my first drink was always the best part of the day. Except, I could never stop at one and would continue until I couldn’t drink anymore. I would down extra drinks without my husband knowing, and my glass size increased vastly over the years. One bottle would spill into two and I began sneaking extra drinks that my husband didn’t know about. I don’t remember when I crossed that invisible line of needing the alcohol instead of wanting it – but I remember becoming obsessed with alcohol. I would clock how much my friends had in their fridges, sign up to subscriptions and buy advent calendars filled with alcohol. When out, I was fanatic about topping up glasses and making sure I always got the most. It began to rule my life.
I said no to friends, because going out meant driving and I would rather sit at home and drink. My car gathered dust and was no longer used. My world became a very small triangle of home, the school run and work. I learnt how to manipulate my husband so that he always came home with alcohol, and when he didn’t, I would send him back out or order it online. I become an angry drunk and my house was filled with nightly arguments and slamming doors followed by pointless apologies. My daughter came home from school with a picture of mummy’s favourite things – “drink, mummy loves drink”. I laughed but inside my heart was broken. Unfortunately, this didn’t stop me drinking, I continued for a while yet.
I was given the gift of desperation on the morning of 1st January 2023. I woke up, hungover, missing all of my belongings from the night before and feeling sick and tired. I took one look at my husband’s face and knew that I was done. I had planned to do dry January with a friend, but of course we didn’t intend to start until the 4th because it was a Bank Holiday – any excuse to drink! I started my sobriety that day and haven’t had a drink since. I was poorly, physically and mentally, and reached out to AA on the 4th of January – the following day I went to my first meeting. None of these people looked like the alcoholics I had pictured in my head. And as I listened it dawned on me. I was indeed an alcoholic. I had become powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. It was unmanageable on the inside. When I write about my life as it was when I was drinking, I can’t believe that it took me so long to realise this, but I am thankful I have.
I have achieved more in my sobriety than I ever did drinking. My home life is calm, my daughter is happy she has a present mummy, and I am physically well and driving again. I have my freedom back and life doesn’t feel like a struggle anymore. I could easily admit that I was powerless when it came to drink. One drink was never enough. But I struggled to see the unmanageability of my life. I thought that it meant I had to lose everything, be in prison or living on the streets. I did not realise that in fact I had lost everything – my self-worth, my freedom, my love for life – I had lost the same things that every alcoholic loses. Because I am an alcoholic.
As I began to string more and more sober days together, I realised that I drank because of the way I thought. I used alcohol to deal with my emotions. Sitting with my emotions for the first time since I can remember was hard, but I was not alone because I had the Fellowship with me. I have met so many wonderful people in the Rooms and I don’t feel lonely anymore. When I am struggling or feeling low, I call a Fellow and talk it out. I no longer need to drink to deal with life.
ABBEY, Hampshire
