Mirror of truth
“NEXT we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted.” (BB p.63-64). I certainly had never attempted such a course of action. I had come face to face with numerous psychiatrists and psychologists and fed them what I wanted them to hear, which was usually nothing more than large helpings of self-pity. Certainly, none of them asked me to write a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and to go back through my life and list all the resentments that I had harboured against people.
My sponsor drew my attention to the Big Book where it says, “If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.” (BB p.72) When I had completed Step Four I began to understand the meaning of those words. “We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.” (BB p.65). I can still remember my sponsors first words when I read to him from the left and middle columns, my list of life-long unresolved resentments. “Kevin, it would appear that you haven’t liked anyone, do you believe that you can continue to go through life like this?”
The left-hand column (BB p.65) is described as ‘a grudge list’. A truly apt description in my case. I had wanted to get even with all the people I had listed, especially the ones who had kept pestering me for money that I owed them. Step Four trapped me! I couldn’t deny what I had written because I was the author. Many people in positions of authority had written reports about me during a period of twenty years, and I had accused them of twisting the facts. Step Four placed a mirror in front of me and brought me face to face with the person who had ruined my life.
During almost 44 years of unbroken sobriety, I have consistently referred sponsees to Chapters 5 & 6 in the Big Book when they are embarking on their Fourth Step, because the Big Book is my point of reference.
KEVIN, Plymouth
