Listing all harms
When I first started thinking about Step Eight, I realised I had already done much of the groundwork in my moral inventory. While working through Step Four, I initially struggled to identify my resentments, so I decided to begin by acknowledging the harm I had caused others. I wrote, “I, Monika, an alcoholic, have hurt people.” As I reflected, I began listing the wrongs I had done to each person – before even thinking about any resentment I held toward them. What emerged was a surprisingly long list of people I had harmed.
I decided to approach this list – and the whole process – with honesty and care. I remembered people at meetings saying how an insincere Step Eight could lead to relapse, and I definitely didn’t want that. So, I made a conscious effort to be both creative and thorough. I had hurt many people – family, friends, and strangers alike – through traits like a sharp tongue, pride, and an inflated ego. To make it more manageable, I divided those I had harmed into categories – work, home, scouts, and so on. This helped me stay focused, although revisiting the past, especially the parts I was ashamed of, was difficult and painful.
I wanted to list every person I could have hurt, in any way. I wanted to relive the emotions I had felt at the time – those moments when I caused harm – and truly try to imagine how the other person must have felt. That was painful… but only through pain and truth can we begin to heal and move forward.
Empathy, though it was once a suppressed part of me, helped me gain perspective. I didn’t always succeed in stepping into the shoes of those I hurt, but I tried. Facing the truth, I looked inside and saw a woman, a girl, a mother, and a child. I saw how much I had been running – from events, from situations, and from myself. Writing it all down brought a strange sense of peace – mixed with fear. I saw who I had been, and I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I didn’t want to feel those same emotions I had when I hurt others. I didn’t want to cause any more pain. But I hadn’t realised that’s exactly what I’d been doing – delivering blows, manipulating, and leaving behind emotional wreckage. Eventually, I came to an important realisation: the person I had hurt the most was… myself. I had been damaging my inner child again and again.
Slowly, gently, I began to take care of myself. I nurtured my inner child. And just like that, as I started to treat others with more honesty, the truth began to win. Now, when I write about this, the uncomfortable emotions don’t come flooding back. I feel calm, at peace, and accepting of the things I did in the past. Step Eight helped me put my past into order. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night gripped by fear.
I pray for those I hurt – that they might give me a chance to meet them, to make amends. I try to live in a way that allows me to go to bed with a clear conscience, a peaceful heart, and quiet thoughts. When I realise I’ve hurt someone, I try to apologise, to bring peace to us both. Of course, I’m not perfect and never will be. I make mistakes, say things I shouldn’t. But sober, with my head held high, I try to accept the truth and criticism that comes my way. It’s not easy – truth can be painful, and criticism bruises the ego – but I’d rather live in honesty than return to a life built on lies.
Writing Step Eight was my first step out of the darkness and into the light. The door opened just a crack, but already I could feel the difference. I fight my demons with God’s help and strength. The slogans of AA guide my path, and I’ve no intention of straying from it. Living truthfully gives me freedom, happiness, and peaceful sleep. Now I’m ready – and strong enough – to move forward with Step Nine.
MONIKA
Translated from Polish by Aleksandra, from WyspiAArze, nr 3 (62) / 2022