Life on life’s terms
I came into AA six years ago following a tortuous attempt to stay sober and a two-year relapse that almost killed me. My pride, dignity and self-worth were at rock bottom, I was living with my mum, aged 36, and could not stop drinking. It was during this period that I was hiding alcohol around the house, bed-wetting, and secretly (well, I thought so) drinking vodka to calm my out-of-control nervous shaking. I had recently, and yet again, lost another good relationship, stable job and nice place to live. This was a cycle that had happened so many times in my life that my family were sick to death of trying to advise me on what to do.
After being called an alcoholic by multiple people, I was aware that I was in serious trouble. I had already attended the hospital for my alcohol consumption on multiple occasions in my life and knew that it would kill me eventually – which I had accepted in my twenties – and was living to die young. I had a lot of resentment towards my family (specifically my mother) for being brought up by a drunk parent, I had no idea of how to live a normal life in any way whatsoever. The pub was my home from home, and I loved the effect that alcohol had on me and my lifestyle.
I was able to perform as a musician in pubs and clubs. However, inside there was a darkness that seemed to grow and conflict with this false confidence and escapism – producing a Jekyll and Hyde personality. I was caught up in a fantasy and I believed that alcohol was the solution to all my issues. Alcohol gave me the ability to socialise, perform as a musician, be confident and outspoken, and I thought it made me attractive too. This cycle of madness continued for 20 years of my life until the alcohol began to stop working and depression and misery suffocated my existence. I was a paranoid nervous wreck and panic attacks were frequent, to the point where unless I was drinking, I struggled to leave the house. Despite being in this mental state, I continued to drink because I had to, I did not know there was any other option.
My final drunk was at a family wedding, where I noticed a change in a cousin of mine who was ten years sober at the time. He had been attending AA, and I now saw a man who was accountable, strong-minded and nothing like the mess he was before. During my blackout drunkenness, I asked for help and admitted my inability to stop drinking. The following day, I received a phone call from him, and he took me to my very first meeting. Needless to say, I was shaking, hungover and terrified but I knew that I was in the right place. The chair spoke to me, and I had finally found my tribe. Of course, I was sceptical that AA would work for this alcoholic, but I had to give it a go, as I had nothing to lose.
I began to practice some suggestions and instantly felt a positive shift, It was suggested that I keep it in the day and just try to get through one day at a time. This really helped as I had a fear of Christmas, weddings, funerals, and my birthday…well, any event that I would usually be drunk at. I did as I was told for the first time in my life and began to unfold as I embarked upon the Twelve-Step journey. The Fellowship became my family, and I developed several meaningful relationships, especially with my sponsor during Steps Four and Five. In my first year of recovery, I began a degree in music, and with the support of the Fellowship my confidence grew. I could speak openly and honestly, and the principles of the Programme enabled me to achieve a first-class result.
I then went on to do a Masters degree and the same thing happened. I relocated and when I worked the Programme the results were positive, but when I lost my connection it would go the other way. Of course, there were many ups and downs during this period, including a global pandemic where AA was online. I continued to do service and keep close to alcoholics; this kept me in the lifeboat and away from danger. Today, I can see that when I have faith in a Higher Power and work the Twelve-Step Programme many things are possible that were totally inconceivable when I was a drunk. For all that I have lost, I now have a chance to gain the life that was meant for me, and I owe it all to the Fellowship.
To be grateful is a blessing, and to not have so many things weighing me down. For this alcoholic, the Step Nine Promises came true, and continue to reveal more and more each day. I have seen this come true for many alcoholics who engage fearlessly with this Programme. If you are new and confused, stick around and wait for the magic to happen. In my opinion, the best is always yet to come in sobriety and the worst is always yet to come in drinking. The answers are in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and life on life’s terms is about accepting who you really are and what is truly meant for you.
MARK A
