I felt reborn
MY name is Jonathan, and I’m an alcoholic. Before I came to the Fellowship I was paralysed by constant obsessions; rehashing my resentments with people, places and things, desperately seeking to justify the unjustifiable. Soothing my over-sensitive ego. Keen to build a construction of events which would show me as a person of good moral standing in the face of repeated insane acts of behaviour towards myself and others. In short, denying my own responsibilities.
Thankfully the Programme of AA and a patient sponsor gently guided me towards seeing my life through a new pair of glasses. Accepting my own reality, my powerlessness and unmanageability, and guiding me to a new way of living based upon faith in a Power greater than myself, and clearing away the wreckage of my past. Having taken Steps One to Three, preparing my inventory and sharing it with my sponsor was an incredibly humbling process.
On the same evening that I shared my inventory with my sponsor, I paused to reflect on where I had come from over the past few months. Indeed I saw that it had been quite a transformational beginning. When asked, I did not hesitate to agree that I was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I knew that I could not hang on to this old way of life: the guilt, shame and continued bewilderment.
At Step Seven, my sponsor explained to me this Step required that I call upon all my newfound faith and trust in my Higher Power, and to understand that for my wrong doings I had already been forgiven. In this spirit, I should now forgive those who may (or may not) have harmed me. At first this came as a jolt. Me forgiven? How can that be? Most persons on my Step Four list were easy to forgive. But him, her? But then, had I not accepted God’s love? And I was certain that I did not want to return to where I’d come from. Had my sponsor not told me that I need never drink again? And that was true for three months now when alone, I could not manage one day. Another leap of faith.
Together we got down on our knees and shared the Step Seven prayer. “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.” (BB p.76) I felt a profound sense of relief. I felt reborn. All those years of carrying this baggage of hurt and resentment was miraculously removed from my shoulders. It felt like I was released from a self-imposed cage. Another spiritual experience! I felt a oneness with all around me. My gradual transformation from isolation to connection had taken another profound step.
It follows that,“Faith without works is dead” (BB p.88) It was now incumbent upon me to reach out to those I had harmed and wherever possible make amends. And that led me to the next Steps, Eight and Nine awaited. Thank God for AA, the Fellowship, and that my work is never complete.
JONATHAN
