Happiness lives within
HAVE you ever felt like something is missing from your life? Like the world and all its attractions are no longer enough? The things that would bring me joy and stimulate my senses had stopped working, which stirred deep within me a gnawing sensation. I breathed life into the question, “Is this it?”, which was taken personally by people around me, and I was rejected and shamed, accused of being ungrateful. I suppressed the thought, silencing that small voice with alcohol, delusion, medication, denial and anything else that provided relief, while I went along robotically with the show. This seemed to please everyone around me so it must be right, and I felt that I had no alternative. I seemed to be seen as the weird and crazy one, people around me suggested that I go on antidepressants. I experienced a lot of trauma and was created from chaos. I thought maybe I was just crazy, and I’d better keep my thoughts to myself. This awakening to my inner world began when I was 29.
I started questioning things and behaviours and expressing my unhappiness. There was this numbness inside of me that can only be described as an internal void, something wasn’t right. Back then I just knew something inside me was singing a different tune to the one outside, and those two symphonies not aligning was causing a disturbingly overwhelming world. It was like having the TV and radio on whilst trying to have an important conversation all at the same time, I didn’t know which one I should be focusing on and giving my attention to. The internal song was so quiet and private, no one else seemed to know it, and when I sang along and danced to it people said I was mad. What people thought of me was very important then, I valued their opinion more than my own. So, I numbed out that sound and chose to concentrate on the song in the external world that everyone else was dancing to, at least then we were all dancing together.
I felt connected to others and not so alone, until the stillness of night. When I was alone and not connected to others, I felt very alone. I later came to realise this was because I was disconnected from myself, with only my own self, my own thoughts and consciousness to keep me company. I no longer knew or liked this version of me, but others did. My husband did, and that was what mattered right? It wasn’t until I was 34 years of age that the song inside of me shattered through the ‘perfect’ narrative I was living in, it came through that dreamlike veil and demanded to be heard. It was odd how it all unravelled when I look back at it now. I lived in a sort of groundhog week, I worked a nine-to-five job Monday to Friday, spending too much money on frivolous activities and online shopping, pointless material assets to give me instant gratification. I was drawn to shiny jewels and sparkly things like a magpie, anything to distract myself from me and my own thoughts and feelings.
I drank too much. I didn’t think I was an alcoholic at this point, you see I had a lot of denial. Society points fingers at certain stereotypes but promotes three for two bottles of alcohol at the supermarket. Liqueurs at Christmas, one more for the road, and to turn up without a bottle is just plain rude. It is good manners to arrive with a bottle, and to serve this mood-altering substance to all your guests and lower everyone’s consciousness just below giving a damn.
The alcoholic was the homeless man drinking spirits from a brown paper bag on a park bench, whereas I was drinking sophisticated sparkling drinks. The magical ways in which alcohol can be dressed up! I was winning at life, I had all the things society said I needed to be happy and successful in this world that we live in.
I had the job, the husband, the detached house, three cars and a campervan. We went on several holidays a year, skiing, touring, sailing and visited breathtaking destinations like the Maldives. So why wasn’t I happy? Why wasn’t I whole? We went on city breaks, meals out, parties, always socialising with copious amounts of alcohol, naturally. Always busy doing things, going places, seeing people. Only stopping when my body tapped out of the busy schedule and needed rest. Oh no, what’s wrong with me? Why am I ill? Life is unfair! No, this is what happened when I neglected to notice my mind was dragging around a beautiful, tired, exhausted body that just needed rest, love and compassion. A (insert any alcoholic beverage here) will fix that, take the edge off. The medicine was still working, only just. But my body was running out of room for anymore landfill and fly-tipping of these feelings and emotions.
I thank God for the divine intervention of finding the Rooms of AA. I put down the drink and all the other medicines I was using and abusing and turned my life over to the care of a God of my understanding. I have not looked back since. I know happiness lives within, I have found it and am now freeing anything that blocks this flow. This Fellowship is magic and I am a proud member. I am now working on becoming a whole person with the help of God and the Fellowship’s support. Thank you.
EMMA, Norwich