Empowered
MY name is Andy, and I am an alcoholic. I went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting on 15th May 1984. Staying sober wasn’t easy for me. I was angry and bitter because of my childhood. I grew up in a foster home with a religious woman, but I never experienced God’s love from her. I remember that she was always cold and indifferent toward me. By the time I was ten, I was full of resentment toward my foster mother. Soon, I rejected God and the religion she was so passionate about.
When I first came to AA, I didn’t want anything to do with the Twelve Steps. God and a Higher Power are mentioned in six of them. I wanted to stay sober, but the Twelve Steps weren’t for me. Instead, I chose psychotherapy. It was easier to keep blaming my childhood. I had invested a lot in seeing myself as a victim. That attitude resulted in 13 years of relapses. Therapy didn’t make me better – it made me worse. I was too dishonest and too arrogant to ask for help at meetings. With that mindset, I nearly lost my life during a relapse.
Eventually, when I was desperate enough, I asked a man to sponsor me. He had a reputation as a tough sponsor, but I didn’t care. I was ready to do anything to break free from the madness in my head and in my behaviour. He told me to get down on my knees every morning and ask a Power greater than myself for a sober day. I was also to pray again in the evening to thank it for another sober day. He knew I didn’t believe in God, so he told me to pray to the Power of AA itself. I also had to write a daily gratitude list. That helped me overcome the frequent and very unpleasant attacks of self-pity.
Then, he shocked me by giving me a sticker to put on my shaving mirror. I had to read it every morning while shaving. “Right now, you are looking at the problem” – that’s what it said. It was time to stop blaming everyone and everything for my alcoholism. I could no longer deny that my way of staying sober wasn’t working.
He told me that kneeling and asking for a sober day was good for my defiant alcoholic ego. When I followed his suggestions, I quickly began to feel better. Steps Four and Five freed me from lifelong fear and resentment. In Step Eight, I saw how many people I had used and hurt. It was sobering to see on paper that I was also a perpetrator. The victim belief system began to fade.
The Twelve Steps helped me overcome selfishness and self-centeredness. For the first time in my life, I began to feel compassion and empathy for other people. That was the beginning of my spiritual awakening. After Step Nine, I started sponsoring – passing the AA Programme on to other alcoholics.
Carrying the message changed my life. With love in my heart, I began to feel the presence of some supernatural Higher Power above me. Now I pray to It every day. Daily prayer keeps me honest and reminds me that I am not in charge of my life.
Every time I surrender to that Power and follow AA’s suggestions, I grow toward becoming the person I was always meant to be. As an alcoholic, I only knew how to live in the past or in the future. Now I am learning to live in the present moment. Meditation is about letting go of thinking and enjoying life right now. It’s a very empowering way to live. The Twelve Steps helped me let go of the past and the fear of the future. Every day, I thank AA and my Higher Power for my sobriety. The Twelve Steps gave me a wonderful new life.
ANDY F
Translated from Polish by Aleksandra, from WyspiAArze, nr 4 (71) / 2024