Alone but not lonely
“ALMOST without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness.” (12&12 p.57) How I identified with that sentence when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous! I drank alcohol partly because it helped me to fit in with other people. I mistakenly thought that it drew me closer to them. But the opposite was true, and I became more and more isolated. I became a prisoner of my own alcoholism. In the end it was just me and the bottle. It was an intense, awful loneliness. In the words of the Big Book, “As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker.” (BB p.151)
Something truly wonderful happened when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous. People accepted me for the mess that I was. They gave me their phone numbers and said, “Keep coming back to the meetings. It works.” My acute loneliness gradually disappeared. I eventually realised that Alcoholics Anonymous is not a society or club. And it is definitely not a cult! It is, rather, a Fellowship. One definition of fellowship is: friendly association, companionship. That is exactly how I see it. We are all in the same boat, but we all row together. I have made many friends in AA, including both my sponsors and my current sponsee.
Today I live alone. This comes with its own challenges as a recovering alcoholic. For example, coming home to an empty flat after a lively, gregarious meeting. My thoughts – especially negative ones – can become intrusive. It is then that I really need to work the AA Programme to the best of my ability. Sometimes I have to be careful not to isolate myself too much. It is tempting to hide away, to distance myself from AA and society in general. But if I do that, my sobriety suffers. I become a prisoner of my own negative thoughts. It is then that I really want and need the fellowship of people in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I also have to guard against resentments toward my fellow AAs, who have fulfilling family lives. I know that acceptance is the key. I am just grateful that I no longer feel the terrible loneliness that I endured when I was drinking. Nowadays I am content to be alone but I’m not lonely. It is best summed up for me by the following quote, “And what can be said of many A.A. members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life? At first many of these feel lonely, hurt, and left out as they witness so much domestic happiness about them. If they cannot have this kind of happiness, can A.A. offer them satisfactions of similar worth and durability? Yes—whenever they try hard to seek them out. Surrounded by so many A.A. friends, these so-called loners tell us they no longer feel alone.” (12&12 p.120)
My biggest challenge came during the pandemic. The thought of not being able to get to physical meetings was bad enough. But I was also completely isolated from everyone else for two months. Yet I found that I could still work the AA Programme even in this situation. I listened to speaker tapes sharing on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Keeping in touch with my sponsor and other AAs by phone calls and texts, I also reread the Big Book. At that time, I was doing regular telephone responder service on our local helpline. I also took on another shift temporarily to pass the time. It helped to keep me sober, too. I managed to get online during the summer of 2020. This opened up online meetings to me as another aspect of my sobriety.
These days I am much more at ease with other people. This applies both inside and outside of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can relate to them in a way that I never could while I was still drinking. After all, alcohol only ever gave me a false sense of belonging and self-confidence. Today I know that the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is the real truth.
BRYAN W, Hampshire
