A Vicious Circle
WHEN I finally came to an AA meeting, I knew two things. First, that with all my heart I did not want to drink anymore. Second, that I could not trust myself. I was afraid that life would overwhelm me again and I would end up drinking, despite my earlier decisions and intentions. I couldn’t rely on myself, and I didn’t believe in God, but I trusted the experience of the alcoholics I heard at meetings. I asked another alcoholic to be my sponsor and guide me through the recovery Programme. At the beginning, she asked me if I was ready to do everything necessary to stay sober. I said yes, because I wanted what others in the Programme had, sobriety together with peace and gratitude. At almost every meeting, I heard the Promises of the Twelve Steps – that we will, “…know a new freedom and a new happiness.” and that, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” (BB p.83)
I wanted to be free and happy, but instead I mostly felt fear, anger, and guilt. So yes, I was ready to do anything. When my sponsor suggested kneeling and praying, I did it, even though I felt ashamed and humiliated. When, in Step Four, I had to make a list of my resentments, fears, sexual relationships, and the harm I had done, I did it without hesitation. In Step Five, I had to admit this bitter truth about myself to my sponsor, and again I did not hesitate. My desire not to drink was stronger than my shame about the harm I had caused. It was stronger than my fear of what another person might think of me. It was not a pleasant experience to read my truth out loud. As I was reading, I felt growing frustration, because I saw that I had been living in a vicious circle. The same situations kept repeating themselves, even though the people and places changed. I kept making the same mistakes. I saw how my selfishness, dishonesty, self-centeredness, self-pity, and fears had been guiding my actions.
I did not feel the freedom and relief I had often heard about at meetings. Instead, I felt deeply powerless in the face of my character defects. The only relief came from knowing that I had done my work honestly and courageously up to that point. I had found my Higher Power, which I now desperately needed to help change me. I was grateful to experience the Power of this Programme. My eyes were opening, and I was beginning to see the truth about myself. I didn’t go home feeling uplifted, but I went with a prayer on my lips and a strong desire to continue working the Steps. I believed with all my heart that this was the only way for me to change and to stay sober. And that is exactly what happened.
ILONA M, From the Beginning, Bushey (Polish-speaking group)
Translated from Polish by Aleksandra for Share