GRATITUDE wasn’t something I knew whilst drinking. Most of the time it was ‘poor me’ and my efforts were focused on drinking to numb the pain of my insecurities, then dealing with the aftermath. I did so much to be liked. Other people’s approval of me dictated whether I was a good person or not. When I was drunk, my behaviour was appalling and ridiculously out of character. Alcohol did something to me that it doesn’t to most people. When sober, I spent a lot of the time apologising, trying to make it up to people I had upset and nurse my fragile ego. It had always been a losing battle, and I considered myself to be above-average intelligence so why did I repeat the same old rubbish?

Life without alcohol seemed impossible and it had become glaringly obvious that I couldn’t stop on my own. My sprees were becoming more frequent. My accidents more serious and I was really upsetting my loved ones. My excuses weren’t even fooling me! What was there left to try? I went to AA as something had to change.

At my first meeting I had expected people would be miserable, dull and probably homeless, but they weren’t. In fact, they seemed happy, with many different lives and upbringings, but they experienced the same abnormal craving for more – when they took the first drink. I was a little suspicious about why they wanted to help. I wanted to know what they had that I didn’t. At least if I attended meetings then I would have something to do as all I would do if I didn’t go was drink. They said keep coming back and so I thought maybe I should listen for a change. I had nothing to lose and no other options.

For me, AA is truly the college of knowledge. Being open-minded and willing to do what my sponsor says is teaching me how to live on life’s terms, how to accept things I can’t change, and stop thinking I know better. It taught me about alcoholism and how my brain works. I didn’t realise how sick I was whilst drinking, and this Programme is helping me get well – one day at a time. It is most definitely the best thing I have ever done. I am healing and I like myself. I am finally getting to know me and work towards being the best version of myself I can be.

I have so much gratitude for the meetings and my kind, patient sponsor. I thought I could do this on my own! No chance, without my sponsor I wouldn’t have been able to understand this Programme. I was so shocked to hear someone would give me so much of their time, to pass on what they had learned with no gain for themselves. I desperately needed help and my sponsor has always been there for me. I have confided in her, sharing my deepest fears, regrets and resentment, so that I can heal my past and have a fresh start. It’s a beautiful process that I have learned to trust. Thank God for the Fellowship and my sponsor, without them I wouldn’t have the life I have now. I often get a feeling of inner peace I have never experienced before. It’s what I have always wanted, thank you.

ZOE, Wolverhampton