To be of Service

ALL of my life, I had been anxious and restless, with several periods of depression. However, when I found alcohol, I discovered that it numbed the pain and made the outside world go away; alcohol gave me peace of mind for a little while - but it didn’t last. So, I drank some more and then I became even more anxious and depressed. Then it started to take things away from me, like the freedom to drive without the fear of being over the limit; it took away friendships and leisure time activities. I managed to keep my job, my husband, my home and my driving licence, I was what they call a functioning alcoholic. I had read a lot about alcoholism and done a lot of internet-searching and I knew deep inside me that the drinking had to stop.

I knew that it had been getting steadily worse and any more would be the end of me. I hated myself, I hated what I saw in the mirror and I couldn’t understand why I could not control my drinking. I was so ashamed and I knew it had to stop but, despite several vain attempts, I couldn’t do it. Nothing changed until one day, in the depths of despair, I had a moment of clarity.  I just knew that the game was up and at that moment I threw in the towel - I surrendered.  

I went into a treatment centre and there were lots of tears. I expected sympathy for the rotten life I had had up to then but there was none. There was instead a harsh realisation of having reached my rock bottom and the promise of a solution, if I was prepared to work for it, starting with the three requirements of Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness.  I began to believe that there might be a way forward out of this hell, and I was taught that these three requirements were HOW it works.  

After all the tears, I became very determined to take full advantage of what was on offer.  I was taken to AA meetings and I got myself a sponsor. After the treatment centre, I did 90 meetings in 90 days and became much more comfortable admitting that I was an alcoholic, and listening and talking to other alcoholics. In fact, I threw myself enthusiastically into the Programme of the Twelve Steps. I also got into service and now, after 22 years of sobriety, I can look back and feel real gratitude to my Higher Power for that turning point and all of my life in AA.  I have remained in service continually; I love being in service to AA and I hope to continue in service for many years to come. Thank you, AA for my new life with no more anxiety or depression. Most days, I enjoy peace of mind and when something disturbs me, I know that I have a Programme to deal with it.

JEANNIE, Hampshire