Content to be me

I used to try so hard to manage my life, and my drinking - a lot harder than I try now, actually. I was so stressed, so scared, so irritable, so confused, so lost, so alone and I hated being sober. So, I rarely was. Alcohol occasionally gave me a few moments of freedom from the pain of living with my thoughts and feelings, so I couldn’t help but chase that feeling by drinking every day. But at the same time, I didn’t want to be a slave to alcohol, so every day I fought with my drinking, and my failure to manage it ground me down, day by day. It was so demoralising. And the stress of trying to get away with needing to drink all the time made me crave it even more. I was secretly drunk while driving at work. I was necking whisky when my girlfriend popped upstairs and when she was asleep, then I’d hide the bottles. I was in so much debt. I stole money and drinks. And I did everything I could think of to get better. But I just got worse. I was sick of trying so hard and failing so badly. 

Eventually I admitted defeat. I knew I couldn’t help myself and I found myself walking through the doors of an AA meeting. I was desperate and wanted help to get sober. And everything changed from that day in September 2014. I found an amazing bunch of people who used to drink like me but they were sober and enjoying life. And they showed me how I could be sober and happy, too. They showed me how to work the Twelve Steps, which put me in touch with a Higher Power to give me strength and direction at all times. I was told that my conception of a Higher Power could be whatever worked for me. For me that Power comes not from a religious God, not even a creator or a director. To me, my Higher Power is the goodness which flows from my sense of being connected with the world. It’s the opposite of the painful disconnection and self-absorption which characterised my life for so long. The Steps help me to make and maintain that connection.

The second essential part of my recovery is being a part of the Fellowship of AA. By staying connected regularly with my Fellows, who share my problem and my solution, I feel an amazing loving, serene power within me. Even during lockdown, I get this connection from online meetings and from phone calls with my friends in Exeter (and elsewhere.) The power that I need to stay sober and manage my life flows readily. In fact, I’ve had no compulsion to drink since I came to AA. What an amazing reality! And more than that, the Steps give me a strong sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I know how it feels to have peace of mind. I enjoy life. I don’t feel alone. I’m learning to value and love myself. Right from the beginning I found the hope that I needed and I’ve loved the journey so far. I am so grateful for AA and all of the experiences in my life that have got me to this point, where I’m content to be me, right now. 

HARVEY S, Exeter Tuesday Breakfast