Step Five - Blessed and Happy

WHEN I first came into AA and learned that alcoholism is a disease, I felt relieved that it is not something I chose to become. I was at the lowest point in my life in that I was going to end my life that day. I decided to go to an AA meeting that evening and if I did not feel better, I would end my life on the way home. I was able to admit that I could no longer go on the way I was living. Drinking every day only to live with regrets and damaging everyone I came in contact with. I had hurt a lot of people and done a lot of wrongs. Alcohol had destroyed me and my relationships, slowly killing me. I no longer cared about me or anyone else for that matter especially when I was drinking.

I was raised in an alcoholic home and hated when my father got drunk. I never fitted in with the kids at school, was overweight and ridiculed by not only children but adults as well. My self-esteem was non-existent and so I tried to become non-existent. I was not accepted by others and so I did not accept myself. Always wanting to be ok for who I was. I was told by many I was different, fat but had a pretty face. At least I had something that was positive about me - my pretty face - but that was all. I was sad inside and wanted desperately to be accepted amongst my peers and fit in. This continued into adulthood and to this day. I had a big hole inside of me that needed filling and I tried all sorts to fill it but nothing did until I found AA and worked the Steps.

The Steps seemed like a tall order to do. I was always quick to blame others and feel sorry for myself. It seemed a scary thing to do the Steps and Step Five -having to admit to God and someone else I could trust to share the wrongs I had done. I would have to choose a sponsor I could trust and most importantly one that would give it to me straight but with love. I thought it would be one of the most difficult things to do Step Five and it was, but also the most freeing at the same time. I had to become accountable for my actions and no longer blame others for my behaviour and take responsibility for what I had done to myself and others. I knew God already knew the exact nature of my wrongs but not my sponsor. I was raised to be strong and never show weakness and boy did I have weakness and found out it is ok to admit it.

I wanted to get well and knew that the only way to do this was to follow the Steps as all those before me have done. It was not as scary as I had thought and found that I was not alone in doing wrong and that I could be set free from carrying it any further and free from doing it again and again as I had so many times before. But what was the exact nature of my wrongs? I had to think about this for a while as I was always quick to offer my heartfelt apology when I had done something to hurt someone.

The problem was I kept doing it again and again and again. One of the biggest things that came was becoming aware of my actions and what that had done to those I most loved. Once I could see what I had done, I could also see that I could change and I could become a better person. I could understand why I did what I did and how I could do it differently in the future. A heavy weight had been lifted. I found it difficult to admit to myself the exact nature of my wrongs as many were to myself as well. I had to live with the things I had done in my life and drinking made it easier to cope but, in the end, it almost killed me. What seemed like the most impossible thing to do was actually the best thing I could do for myself and I am learning to love and like who I am becoming. I am no longer the person I was and Step Five has helped me to right the wrongs and each day I can begin again and quickly right the wrongs as they happen. I know today that my intention is never to harm anyone and if I do, I know what to do and it works. I am one blessed, happy alcoholic. KAREN M, Shropshire