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Second Time Around

MOST shares I’ve heard are from childhood but I’m going to start from where I’m at now. I am a 61-year-old male, my name is Mark and I’m a normal, happy-go-lucky, hard-working guy. I have come back to AA after 27 years of sobriety, with only the first four years in the Rooms. By not keeping up my housekeeping (following the 12&12), two years ago my ego, lack of willpower and my shadow said to me, “I don’t think you have a problem, you have been so good all this time, I don’t think there is a problem.” Well, my wheels feel off!!!!!!

I binged and the compulsion to drink more was back, with no stopping. Like there was never enough to satisfy me. Drinking to be the last man standing in a group of men. On my own, I couldn’t drink it quick enough till I passed out. Newly married, my wife had never seen me that way - shocked and worried, she said, “I won’t stay around to see you kill yourself.” I pledged an oath to stop for the tenth time.

My life was about to turn around. My best friend, who’s in the Fellowship, gave me a new position in his company, absolutely transforming my life for the better. After relapsing himself I prayed he would return to AA and gave him all the support and advice I could. But I was still hurting after two years of being a dry drunk, the storm of anxiety and depression that lasted days but with no reason I could find.

I stepped back to a meeting.  I had thought I could help others but quickly learnt my tools are rusty. I need to renew my Steps and knowledge of the ways of how to improve our life, not just putting the drink down. The more we put in, the more we get out. So, I’m looking for a sponsor and will soon be back on the path to helping myself get better first and then to help those that need it. That’s what we have to do - help ourselves first as we can’t help others if we are unwell. I owe my life to AA as I would not be here if not for them. The only proof there is, just look how full the rooms are and many have years of great recovery. Many urgently need hope and life because of this killer illness.

The Doctor’s Opinion in the Big Book is a great chapter to see what happens when we put alcohol in our system, the allergy that racks up our craving. I know I can never drink like normal people; I know I can’t have one or two drinks and stop.  My mind and body won’t let me say no to another drink after it’s in my body. The meetings this week have helped me so much after a week of disappointment and not knowing how to deal with it. I will and must keep with the Programme to get the peace of mind I want, and confidently know will continue - as the other option is being very ill and losing what I have now. Thank you for reading this and if it helps anyone, I would love that. Peace to you and be safe.