Inside or Outside

Three years ago I was standing outside the walls of our local prison at 5:30pm wondering what on earth I was doing there. Moments later other AA members arrived and the five of us were met by a prison officer who took us through the gate.

I was carrying utility bills and passport to confirm my identity, having already received clearance to enter the prison. I was on my way to an AA meeting. The only foreknowledge I had was what the AA's who went in regularly had told me. That only partly prepared me for the reality of being inside. The continual locking and unlocking of doors as we met the inmates and went to the room in which the meeting (one of three being held) to which I was going took place. I was in what to me was a foreign land. Once the meeting was under way, however, I was on familiar ground- people sharing their experience, strength and hope with the only difference being that the consequences of the inmates drinking was the main reason that they were there. Doing the same thing expecting a different outcome, but there never was.

Many were early in the Fellowship, which brought my thoughts back to my first weeks and months and the difficulty in making the ultimate decision to surrender, seek help, and recover. The meeting was over in an hour and a half and after the reversal of the locking/unlocking procedure, I found myself back on the outside. I gave thanks that I had only been inside for a short while and thought what it must be like for those who would not be out for a long time. I could not begin to understand.

Two weeks later I was back again and was in a different meeting within the prison. The same procedure going in and out and, at the meeting itself, the sharing of the visits of the four horsemen, the discussion of, mainly, Steps One, Two and Three and what could be achieved if we wanted to do the work.

As time passed and I continued to go to the prison meetings on a regular basis, a 'Home group' ethos began to develop. We met the same inmates from time to time and touched on things other than 'pure recovery'. Families, friends, football teams supported and other mundane matters; all those things that have been forgone for the duration by those inside and how they were being missed, all due to the obsession with alcohol to the exclusion of everything else which matters most in life.

It is hard to recover 'inside.' It is totally different form the world as most of us know it. A few weeks without a drink can get the physical recovery under way, the mental obsession can be eased by the absence of alcohol, but the general atmosphere is not conducive to spiritual development. Many inmates know that things will be hard once they are freed and the only way forward is to get to a meeting and build from there, but the temptation to celebrate in the time-honoured fashion is huge.

There are other difficulties. We cannot always hold weekly meetings due to staffing constraints or other problems and as the inmates have no choice of another meeting to attend that opportunity is lost forever. On the other hand there are plusses. Some staff are particularly helpful and go out of their way to make sure newcomers have the opportunity to attend meetings. They also try to ensure that the â??regularsâ?? do not miss out due to changes in meal times, association times or any other of the myriad reasons which can affect prison activities.

For me the benefits are many. I live only a few minutes' drive away and can fill in when any others on the rota cannot make it, so I get more than my fair share of meetings. There are many who attend in early recovery; their stories are vivid, real and recent. Any thoughts I may get about it 'not having been all that bad' or that it 'will be different this time' are stilled at birth. The only difference between us is that I was not convicted of any offence due to my actions and they were. The line is gossamer thin and I thank God for every day that I remain this side of it. If any of us have any doubts about what is the penultimate stage of our illness, if left untreated, I recommend service in prison which surely shows us what can await us should we go back on the booze.

Mick C. Chelmsford.

(Reprinted form Share November 2007)