Drink, Prison, Despair
Drink, Prison, Despair
Audio Version 
Drink, prison, despair. Fear loneliness turmoil and more prison. This was my life for the best part of 29 years. My first experience of blackout and prison was waking in a police cell with a police issue white boiler suit on and no idea why I was there. A policeman told me we had to wait to see if it was murder or attempted murder as the man was critical in hospital. I remember being absolutely terrified. I put a blanket over myself and sobbed like a baby but, looking back, I never thought, "I'm not drinking ever again." Thank God, the man lived, and I went to prison for the first time, I was 16. I was still a boy really but remember being in turmoil and when I was alone in the prison cell, being in despair, crying, but soon as the door was open laughing and joking. Believe me things got a whole lot worse over 29 years. I ended up in prisons all over the country and experienced everything from padded cells to prison hospitals with people next to me howling all night and hanging themselves. I wasted years of my life in prisons and went to any lengths inside to get drink (prison hooch) or anything else to make me feel better.
Forget super strong lager, there is nothing more disgusting than prison hooch, yeast, sugar and fruit. I remember going on prison visits and my family would say to me, "God Ian, you are looking worse," and I would blame the prison food. I lost hope and my constant companion was loneliness and shame. My drinking and behaviour got worse and I ended up alone, suicidal and in despair. These feelings are bad enough but when also locked in a prison cell it is absolute hell.
My last prison sentence was about 22 years ago and was a time that will stay with me forever. I put pressure on someone to bring drugs into prison for me. They were caught and the worst part of this was seeing them getting put in the police van, this was someone who had never been in trouble.
I've recently celebrated 20 years sobriety and am so grateful to AA for the life I've been given. I ended up totally alone full of shame drinking on park benches and feeling the loneliest person on the planet. The past 20 years have been mainly incredible, I've always had a sponsor and been in service, also always had a home group and being doing Step work. Iā??ve tried my best. I think my first sponsor saved my life. A saying I've heard lately in AA is wait until your head clears then look for a sponsor. No, sorry, you may be dead. I was doing the First Step within days of joining AA.
Anyway, with my family I've spent the last 20 years growing up. We went to marriage guidance for a long time. Repaired a lot of the damage, then got married. We've had more children, bought our first house and have been on great holidays. We've also recently had our first granddaughter, the joys of recovery eh! I work, I drive, I can even look at scenery, countryside etc. and think how beautiful these sights are over my years in AA. I've been obsessively into fitness and done lots of marathons, crossing the line of the London marathon with all my family there.
Incredible, the joys of living and being in recovery, not bad for a man who ended up totally alone, drinking on a park bench.
You'll never walk alone.
IAN, Portsmouth.