Never give up

I was born in Liverpool and my childhood was one of good memories. I had loving parents who always did the best they could by me and I always got pretty much what I wanted. I was a popular lad at school but didn’t feel that way internally. I was sensitive, self-centred and an introvert. My first passion was football. My Nan and Grandad used to take me to the local pub from about the age of eight to watch their team play on the big screen. I was attracted to the atmosphere in the pub. There was laughter, smoke and everyone seemed to be having a really good time. I remember thinking I can’t wait to be older so I can drink. My ambition was to be a professional footballer, a goalkeeper and I was in fact a good goalkeeper. I played for the school football team and was then selected to be the first-choice keeper for Liverpool schoolboys - I felt as though I had arrived. I also had trials for the Senior team and played in the local Derby for another. Life was great. At this point I developed an ego and I hadn’t known fear or failure. I remember it was the last game of the season and whoever won that game was going to win the league title. As I was warming up, I had this overwhelming sense of fear. I remember thinking what if I make a mistake and cost us the league. I had never experienced this before and I remember going to my manager to say I felt sick and the second-choice keeper replaced me, played a blinder, we won and we won the league.  I then had the same experience when I played for the academy - I was called up to play and again I pulled out because of nervousness and fear of making a mistake. I was released and this broke my heart. I remember crying, saying to my family that I would never be playing football again because I was a failure, I was shit, and I wasn’t good enough.

At age 16 I discovered alcohol and cocaine and they changed my perception of reality. It fixed those feelings of fear, inadequacy, of being a failure. Alcohol and cocaine made me feel normal, at ease, powerful, whole. I remember saying to myself I’m going to drink as often as I can and snort as often as I can because I want to keep feeling the way it made me feel. I know today that I was drinking and using for the effect produced and not for pleasure. My life totally revolved around drinking and using and finding ways and means to get more. Every job I had I lost, every romantic relationship I had went, every college attempt or means of trying to better my life failed - as a direct result of my drinking and using. 

My uncle twelve-stepped me to my first meeting at age 16 and I instantly knew I was in the right place. People were speaking about me, my life, my experiences. They were speaking my language. I have tried every means to get clean and sober and they have all failed. Treatment centres, moving towns, different Fellowships, different sponsors, different ways of taking the Steps, counselling and it all failed. It all failed because I didn’t have Step One and I was not allowing myself to be sponsored because I still thought I could manage my own life successfully. 

I loved the idea of getting clean and sober and sorting out my life and believe me it wasn’t for the want of trying. I have been in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous for 16 years and the only thing I did right was I kept coming back to meetings. On the 1st September 2020 after coming to from a seven-day bender and wanting to die, I lay on my bed and I cried out, “If there is a God please help me, I can’t do this anymore.” I had lost my family; I hadn’t seen my little boy for almost a year and I was hanging onto my job by a thread. I couldn’t string a few days sober towards the end of my drinking because I was in the grip of alcoholism which is more powerful than me and anything I try to combat it with. You see surrender was something that had to happen to me. It was something that I couldn’t bring about myself and I now know what it means when people in my Home Group say, “I have Step One.” a term which I used to hate being shared.

I messaged my sponsor and asked for help again and went to an online meeting half-cut but I knew I was done. I made the decision that I was going to come back to Alcoholics Anonymous and do everything that AA suggests even when things don’t feel comfortable and I wasn’t going to run away. I have attended at least one meeting a day since I have been back as there is a lot of power in meetings. I then worked through the Steps and the miracle has happened, the obsession for alcohol was removed. The Programme doesn’t come naturally to me. I have to work at this Programme daily and I have to work it hard to just about enable me to live with myself, let alone be happy, joyous and free but my willingness has remained. I know that if I continue to show up for life a day at a time, continue to place Alcoholics Anonymous and my recovery at the centre of my life, stick close to my sponsor who has suffered me for years and never gave up on me, and most importantly I trust and rely upon my God I will continue to stay clean and sober. My job today is to try and be the best I can be and to ask God to remove my fear of sharing so I can be of maximum service to Him and those who have struggled for years. I know what that’s like.
RYAN D, Road to Recovery, Plymouth