Then and Now

Audio Version   

I drank for 39 years on a daily basis. I thought I was never going to drink. I was a child carer for my mother who was diagnosed, as the years passed, as a hopeless chronic alcoholic with cirrhosis. I was sure I wouldn't succumb to the demon drink. I grew up a depressed, suppressed adult with no friends, never felt loved.

For some reason, one day I bought a bottle of wine, and necked it down, wow! I thought I had found the elixir of life! Suffering with constant fear too, this magic stuff removed some of that and gave me confidence, so I drank more to feel even better. The rest as we alcoholics know turns into mayhem. Alcohol being a depressant in the end drove me right back from whence I came. That invisible line into alcoholism I crossed quite early on, years of drinking changed my personality. Arrogance, when in semi blackout I recall been verbally abusive and at times physically threatening. Amazingly I was a functioning alcoholic.

Then one day I reached that cliche of sick and tired of being sick and tired. I rang the AA helpline. It was suggested I attend a meeting. Feeling ashamed and alone I agreed to go with the lift that was arranged. I walked into this big hall with many people who were laughing, hugging and nicely dressed. I wanted what they had. I knew I was where I was meant to be, I had come home! I didn't realise I'd surrendered at that moment. I heard people talking about a Higher Power, a God of their understanding, something more powerful than a bottle of booze! Three weeks in I was white knuckling it. I heard about praying and asking HP for help. I went home and on my knees, I said, "Please help me, I can't do this on my own. Please remove this craving!"

After 39 years of drinking the craving stopped in two days. I was converted there and then to a spiritual belief. I found the best sponsor who was just the person for me. I pray morning and night, do my readings and have commitments after hearing service keeps us coming back! My psychic change Dr Silkworth talks about is happening. My personality of a female Jekyll & Hide has vanished. I know that it could soon return if I stop meetings which is my medicine for my illness. I have to remember this illness wants to kill me. I know it's just one day at a time which grows into weeks, months and years. This is a precious priceless gift.

Today I have friends. I help newcomers and others by listening to them and sharing my experience strength and hope. This not only helps them I hope, but also myself. Today the promises have come true for me. I don't want to go back to those dark old days! Why would you? I know what is in those bottles, poison. Why would I want to drink that? I must always be aware of the monkey on my shoulder. That this illness is cunning, baffling and powerful! I am never cured as I have a mental obsession and physical allergy. No matter how long I have been sober its just one day at a time. I am just one day away from a drink. Step One put me back on my feet, and that's the way I want to stay. I hand daily my life over to my Higher Power- whom I choose to call God. Today I feel truly blessed.

SUE W. Bournemouth.