Half Measures Availed Us Nothing

THESE words at this moment at almost 19 years of sobriety keep bouncing around my head.

Because my mind has decided that I am now going through a challenging period. Events are happening in my life, where I feel fear is a justified response. And my current job has failed to offer me the security I hoped it would, and not for the first time I might add (what is it they say about insanity?). I am spending much of my time wanting to focus on and discuss and get rid of these issues. It is hard not to try and ‘fix’ these events in order to wrest satisfaction and happiness from this world.

But there is another voice, clamoring for attention in my washing machine head, which says, “If you had been working a better Programme you would be dealing with this situation much better. In fact, you could have avoided this situation all together.”. And there is some (rather large) element of truth to those thoughts. My AA service life leaves a lot to be desired. I will show up, as long as it’s not too inconvenient. My attendance to my home group can be infrequent. I have one sponsee… again in theory. I am not really working with a sponsor. I call him from time to time but have avoided any situation which may lead him to make suggestions. I know these are easily rectified. To wallow in guilt is not what God wants of me. Instead, with gratitude for the Programme and a little humility I can just get back on the beam. However selfish my intentions to redouble my efforts with this Programme are, it doesn’t matter because it will free me of that self-centered fear. And from there maybe gratitude can take the place of fear.

What gives me hope is, “Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.”  (BB p.59). What other choice do I have? Will I try to compromise? Will I allow fear, pride and resentment to guide my decisions? Will I try to surrender just enough to get what I think I need? Or do I ask for His care and protection with complete abandon? It is that more than anything else that is important. It is not how many people I sponsor, how much service I do, but simply that I let go absolutely and abandon myself to His care and protection.

What more could I want as I stand at yet another turning point? God has not let me down in the last 19 years!

MARC