Learning To Listen

Audio Version 

My name is Gavin, I am an alcoholic and in total I have spent over 32 years around Alcoholics Anonymous. I first stepped through the doors of AA aged 17 and was in and out of the Fellowship for 22 years but could not stay sober. I am now 50 and have 10 years free from alcohol and the insanity that comes with it.

I recall being about three months sober and feeling that I was getting nowhere. I could barely get out of the house once a day to walk the dog for a hundred metres without feeling totally exhausted and during the first year I would often sit crying as my emotions came back with a vengeance. I was totally beat and had reached my personal gutter. I just wanted a little rest from the sleepless nights and the madness I had felt for years. A good friend in AA would pick me up to take me to meetings and drop me off again afterwards. He was a blessing. I am in no doubt that he was sent to guide me.

Every time I had come back into the Fellowship I did what was suggested and quickly recovered physically but this time was different. I wasn’t getting or feeling any better at all, either mentally or physically. In frustration I spoke to my Higher Power. I said “Why am I not getting any better, Big Man?” Within seconds that familiar gentle quiet voice said “Gavin, sit down, shut up and listen as AA suggests.” I knew that voice was right. I was so used to coming back to meetings, bringing out my Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and reciting all the wisdom I had gained over the years as I tried to help others with my knowledge and wisdom even though it had not kept me sober!

By this time, I had found a Higher Power and had been through the Programme as well, so I thought I knew it all. I now know I knew nothing. I could not stay sober, full stop. My ego had run the show but I was now ready to let go of my old way of thinking. This revelation was a gift I gladly received. I wanted to sit back and listen and not be that person I thought I had to be all the time. I went to meetings a lot surer about how and what I had to say – and that was nothing at times.

I always thank the speakers but say very little now, unless I am asked to share my experience, strength and hope. I have let go of all that I thought I knew, started to listen and have started to get better. I had learnt a lot over the years but had been unable to stay away from alcohol for any length of time. God was telling me to do it His way, the way that shines from those who practise the AA Programme and Traditions.

Alcoholism had me fooled for years. I thought I had been doing something wrong or not sharing something that was hidden deep within me and that in turn was causing me to lift the first drink but I had been stopping for others. I remember one night about 2am gazing at the stars and realising that many years had gone by and I could see nothing. No holidays and no memories of fun times with the family – nothing. Why? Why all this waste of time? Why couldn’t I get sober over all these years? As I was contemplating this, the ‘Big Man’ came into my head and said “Gavin, you did not want to stop drinking, son.” Finally I could accept my truth. I had not wanted to stop. Wow! How deep this illness goes. How cunning, baffling and powerful ‘king alcohol’ is to the alcoholic. It had me completely fooled. Finally, the veil was starting to fall from my eyes. The fog had eventually begun to clear.

Love and light

Gavin

Bathgate