The Newcomer

As a newcomer I was terrified and full of fear - but the fear is not a patch on the shame - I was in tears by the time I got through the door. This was the second meeting I had tried to go to but the first time I got lost and had a panic attack en route, so I didn’t get there. I had stopped drinking a few days before but I had underestimated the emotions. With this in mind, my long-suffering husband drove me to the meeting and since it was an ‘open’ meeting, he stayed. To say that the welcome was amazing is not an exaggeration. Strangers, strangers all around, but they won’t be strangers very much longer.

The words ‘my friend’ were used over and over as messages and suggestions were aimed at ‘the most important person in the room’ - their words - the newcomer.

I heard two things at that first meeting. I knew already that having two ears and one mouth meant listening twice as much as you talk. I heard if alcohol or ‘the drink’ is costing you more than money, then you have a problem and this I knew already. The second was initially ‘keep coming back’ or ‘just stay - this is a solution’. In time (the next few weeks) I would gain many more helpful suggestions from people and friends in the rooms of AA, but more importantly I could relate to most of the experiences I heard. You know what they mean when they describe their pain, “Oh God, I’m not the only one who has the guilt and shame”. As you timidly attend more meetings your eyes will slowly stop looking down and will stop leaking. I don’t need to take a tissue now, unless I’m laughing. No doubt at the start everyone has fear - and that’s normal. You are broken, at the bottom of the well, rock bottom, having lost either some things or in some cases everything. At your lowest ebb you will be lifted up in the rooms, by the support, suggestions, love, hope and fellowship - unconditionally.

There are not many places that people are comfortable enough to share their most difficult, embarrassing or shameful experiences - where the drink took them. To be able to trust your friends with your shame is liberating. In terms of sobriety: many meetings make it easy, few make it difficult and none make it impossible. 90 meetings in 90 days was a popular suggestion and I have managed almost every day which has been really helpful. Before I finish, the controversial idea of God or Higher Power is there if you choose it. Regardless, the hope and joy you will experience is partly man-made with your friends in AA rooms, but at some point you will stop and think - someone or something up there is looking after me - at last.

Above all I want to thank AA and all its ‘fellows’ for being part of the most welcoming and important ‘gang’ in my life. I can’t imagine not being part of AA. In a short time, it’s changing my life day by day, one day at a time.

Janice
Dunblane Wednesday Evening