My Rock Bottom

Audio Version 

I started regular drinking at 14; was asked to leave school at 15; drunk on the day my father died of acute alcoholism when I was 16 (I did not know until the following day as I was in a blackout). I thought I ruled the world at 17 (I was the ‘man’ of the house and drank accordingly); reached the legal age to drink at 18 and went down and down until my rock bottom in drinking at age 29.

My own rock bottom was an accumulation of years of active alcoholism. It came to a head on the day I woke up lying on the floor of my flat (which was in the process of being repossessed), amongst my empties, crawling to the bathroom not knowing what would come first - sickness, bile, diarrhea or all of them. I noticed the phone book with scrawled illegible writing on it and I remembered part of a phone call with my sister, she had said “Billy, drink is your problem” - Had I rung her or had she rung me? What else had been said? Who else had I been speaking to (no mobiles then to check).

What had I said and to whom?

After crawling into the bathroom and pulling myself up to the basin splashing my dried lips, I looked in the mirror, a gaunt, yellowish-grey face with several days of growth and disheveled hair looked back at me. The only way to describe how I looked, but more importantly how I felt, is pathetic. No future, no way out. I was unemployed, had massive debt, my girlfriend was gone, my family had given up on me (although my Mum used to come and hang a carrier bag with milk, bread, butter, cheese, sometimes a packet of fags on my flat doorhandle). I was drinking for oblivion daily, physically very ill, mentally scrambled and not that I knew it, spiritually bankrupt. The phone rang and that put the fear of death in me as it was normally unplugged - Who was it? What had I done, or said? What did I owe?

Strangely I answered it and a voice said, “How are you?” and I replied “Fine”, the voice then said, “You were not so fine when I spoke to you earlier. Your sister was very worried about you.” It turned out that my sister had phoned the AA helpline via the local Mental Hospital and had made contact with this local man from AA. He asked where I stayed and I told him and he asked if he could come and see me and I agreed, thinking that since he had spoken to my sister it might give me some time.  I had no drink left, no money to buy it and I wasn’t physically fit enough to actually go out to buy what I needed. So, I was there when he arrived and the magic started - not that I was aware of it - one alcoholic talking to another.

I was taken to my first meeting and my only recollection is the fact that I couldn’t hold the cup of tea I’d been given because my hands were shaking so much - but I was given hope. I stayed dry for seven weeks and drank again for the simple reason that I wanted to. I drank for 7-10 days and was taken back to AA under circumstances unknown.

I’ve stayed dry ever since and eventually started trying to do what is suggested. I’m still trying - very trying according to my pals! But you know, I am in my 30th sober year, have a degree of sobriety and I sleep well, safe in the knowledge the best is yet to come if I keep doing what is suggested.

Billy Inverness

Inverness Steps and Traditions