The Computer Game Fantasy
Today was so wonderful that I just had to tell someone!
Today was so wonderful that I just had to tell someone! Today was so different from four and a half years ago, in ways I could not comprehend before. In my drinking life I was so desperately lonely and in so much physical, emotional and spiritual pain but I just thought there was no alternative – I needed alcohol to survive and ‘do life’ but it was destroying me at the same time.
I knew I couldn’t manage my life with or without alcohol so I hoped and prayed every day that if the pain of living wouldn’t stop then I could just die. I was too afraid to take my own life so my plan was to drink as hard as I could in the hopes that it would kill me.
In my neglected and run-down house I had a computer console that I’d bought from someone, with the thought that maybe being unfit was my problem. I made a host of little NPCs (non-player characters in gaming) of my estranged family and friends who had long since cut contact with me due to my drinking behaviours. I would get drunk and play the cycling game where there was an open world area where my character would cycle around and all the little ‘characters’ of my loved ones would be jogging around me in the virtual sunshine smiling and waving at me – so happy to see me. I was on that Wii Fit board in real life, in the dark, in pyjamas I’d not changed for days, bottle of Buckfast in hand, tears pouring down my face as I pretended to wave and talk to the characters on the TV screen about how lovely it was to see them and how much I’d missed them.
I wanted to tell you about today because today I went for a real cycle in the woods and people out walking their dogs waved and said “Good morning” to me.
When I got back to the house I was so happy I cried and knew I had to share this: I’ve become the sober, present person I dreamed of when I was drinking. I can’t put into words how grateful I am that my Higher Power didn’t take me off the face of the earth when I begged it to every night. I hope I never forget the loneliness of active alcoholism and stay with all of you in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Becca C
Nairn