You're never unfixable

I’ve never told my story before, but I hope by sharing my life experience I will be able to bring strength and hope to others. I’ve been sober for four months and I’m more me now than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ll start from the beginning...

I was born into a family of alcoholics: mother, stepfather, her father were all heavy drinkers. I learned from a very young age that I wasn’t loved by my mother and I felt I was living in constant danger. My mother was a nasty drunk, she had the illness passed down from her father and continued that abuse onto me. I hope that I am breaking this cycle and teaching my children how to navigate life with love and encouragement. Unfortunately I didn’t learn how to be this way until I destroyed my life and drink brought me to my knees, I admitted I was powerless over that first drink and as soon as I had one, I would be drunk because I was unable to stop.

I never knew my real dad but his mum and dad took me every weekend without fail my whole life. I lived for the Fridays when I’d come home from school knowing I was able to escape from the lunatics and be treated like a kid for the weekend. When Sunday came the fear kicked in, knowing I’d need to go back; it was like living two very different lives. My gran and grandad were loving, caring people, they had the hearts of saints and I tormented them in my later years, living in trauma mode, screaming for help in all the wrong ways.

I was placed in a homeless unit but had a fall-out with a guy who was off his face. Being cheeky, I thought I was smart because I snapped back at him and was then able to go in and shut and lock my door, but how wrong I was. There was no overnight staff in this place. The boy I was on the phone to had called the police, who eventually came to the property wearing riot gear.

My attacker got a prison sentence, but after that, that was me - drink, crazy, parties, hanging around people I had no business knowing. I turned vicious with a drink, using it to take away the fear I felt in my body, but although it was my medicine it was also the cause of the chaos in my mind. I needed help but didn’t know it. There were weekends in police stations, full committals, jury trials for stabbing people who’d been cheeky to me at parties, constant fight-or-flight mode. I’m ashamed of these things but it’s my story, it was my life. Finally, I ended up in jail for 44 months, leaving a four-month-old baby at home with my grandparents and me locked up. It destroyed me, but looking back I know it saved my life. If only I’d learned my lesson but the trauma that was untreated still flowed through my body. I felt locked into my body with anxiety and fear - until I took the first drink. It would ease off, I’d be able to speak without mumbling and stuttering in panic.

I didn’t stop drinking. I became a house drinker, a secret one, paying to make myself miserable, drinking because of anxiety and trauma in my mind, but then I came to realise drink was the cause of the chaos and the lack of control in my mind. I needed to process those traumatic experiences. When you’re young you don’t really realise how much growing up in a broken and toxic family affects you. It hits you when you’re older, when you’re alone. Why can’t I give or receive love properly? Why is it so hard for me to show emotions? Why does anger and sadness feel like the only two emotions I’m allowed to have?

Today I’m taking it one day at a time and it’s true if you don’t lift the first drink you can’t ever get drunk. So for me not lifting the first drink is keeping me and my little girls safe. I love going to meetings and I’m in my second year studying criminology and psychology. There’s so much more that’s happened but it would be a book not a short description of the destruction, fear, trauma, power, love and happiness I’ve come through and experienced in my life. I hope I can encourage others to realise that you might be down on your luck but you’re never unfixable and broken. If someone like me and the things I did, the bad decisions I made, can change their whole life around and gain another perspective and end up chasing their dreams and being content and happy then so can you. Take care and God bless.

Carrie
Larkhall New Beginning