The Roundabout Interview

Many thanks to Terri S, Dingwall Wednesday Group

What first brought you to AA?
Sheer desperation, shame, humiliation and the realisation I could no longer live with the person I had become.

Was there any one thing that made you realise that you had a problem with drink? 
It was an accumulation and realisation that I had known for a very long time, 30 years or more, that my drinking was not normal. Every time I drank something bad happened. In the early days of my drinking I would be so ashamed by my actions when drinking that I could stop for long periods. I had no understanding that I was suffering from a progressive illness. Two years before coming to AA I had left my husband and teenage children and was living alone. The loneliness of those two years was indescribable. I still had the high-profile job, the company car, but I was drinking for oblivion every night.

How did you know about AA?
For many years I had carried the AA phone number, cut from an ad in the local newspaper, around in my purse. Not for me of course, but for my husband, who I thought had a problem with his drinking. My best friend had come to AA, and along with other members of her group, had tried on many occasions to carry the message of AA to me. I laughed in their faces, and offered to pour them a drink.

How did you contact AA?
Two months before I came to AA, I visited a friend in Glasgow and drank for three days. Two friends, who were AA members, picked me up on the Sunday and drove me home to the Highlands. On the journey they had to half carry me into a café and as I knew I couldn’t lift a hot drink I asked for a glass of milk. I sat looking at it, desperate for a drink, when my friend quietly popped a straw in my glass. I can still recall the enormous feeling of gratitude towards him and I knew instinctively that he understood how I felt. As we travelled north he shared his story with me. I carried on drinking but the booze had stopped working. The seed had been planted. The day I came to AA began like every other: I woke up, reached for my bottle, empty as always, I showered, dressed and promised myself, as I did every day, “I’ll not drink today”. I drove to work and set about ‘sourcing’ the money to buy my bottle. That evening I was halfway through my first drink, when inexplicably I ran to my bedroom and cried out to a God I no longer believed in and screamed: “Dear God, if there is anyone there, please help me – I cannot do this.” I lay on the floor and cried, and I then got up, poured the drink down the sink, and ODAAT I have never needed another. The next day I burst into my friend’s house and declared “I’m like Bill W, I’ve had a spiritual experience, I need a meeting”. I attended my first AA meeting at the Inverness Gathering on Friday 7 April 2000, beaten, broken and bankrupt in every part of my life. 

What do you remember of your first meeting?
I remember being introduced as new, and thought that everyone was so well dressed. I went into a huge hall and a woman I had known for years, but not that she was in AA, came over and hugged me and said “Thank God – we have been praying for you for years”. I remember thinking how did she know I drank? My head was going 100 miles an hour and it was so surreal. The main speaker shared and I was engrossed. I honestly felt so sorry for him, but I kept thinking over and over if he can do it maybe I can.

What was your initial impression of AA?
I was overwhelmed by the kindness shown to me. It was suggested I join a group, which I did and at first I felt daunted. For weeks every time I said “My name is Terri and I am an alcoholic” I burst into tears. I hadn’t cried in years, all my emotions were bottled up inside of me. A kind man sat beside me and every week when I cried he handed me a clean, ironed hanky. His nickname became ‘Dickie hankies’. I could not take in much of what was said at first but when a member said his head was mince when he came in, I could identify with him.

Was there anything you didn’t like about AA? 
I struggled in the beginning with people shaking hands, hugging, kissing, laughing out loud. It was so out my comfort zone. I was like “Woah back off”.

What changed your mind? 
My home group was in the reception area of the local hospital and you couldn’t see across the room for smoke. I was appalled and said so. My second week there, I realised that everyone seemed to have a job to do and I asked if I could help. I was given the ashtrays to clean: my first service role and a lesson in humility. Live and let live. Group service brought me into the middle of the lifeboat.

What in particular made a difference to you?
The genuine Fellowship, friendship and support freely offered to me. Members went out of their way to ask me how I was doing and they told me to keep coming back. I had not been invited back to anything in a very long time.

Was there anything you found difficult to do in AA?
No, after my initial resistance to personal contact, I embraced the advice and guidance offered to me. I quickly found a sponsor and embarked on the 12-Step Programme of Recovery and began to change my whole life around. I still have the same sponsor and despite living 200 miles from each other we meet regularly.

Do you have a favourite AA slogan or phrase? Why?
Let go and let God. Throughout the many difficulties life has presented me with in my sobriety, I always try to pause and say “Let go and let God”. I believe that my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, is in that phrase.

What has AA done for your family?
AA has given my family back their mother, grandmother and now I am a great-grandmother. They love and cherish me and I can show my appreciation. Through AA and the 12-Step Programme, I have been able to love them in return and allow them the freedom to live their lives without interference or judgement.

How do you feel you have changed?
I have worked hard to change the desperate, frightened and humiliated woman who crawled through the doors of AA. My Higher Power, the Programme, correct sponsorship, and being willing and available to sponsor other women through the Programme as outlined in the Big Book and of course through service to others have all changed me – passing on what was freely passed on to me.

What does ‘putting back into AA’ mean to you?
‘Putting back into AA’ for me is an intrinsic part of my recovery journey. I cannot separate it. From my first, and I think my most important role as ‘ashtray cleaner’, because it was another reason for me to keep coming back, I have accepted every service role I have been asked to fulfil to the best of my ability. From the 12 Steppers who carried the message to me, to witnessing the active service at my first home group, I was led by example.

What do you say to a newcomer?
Keep coming back, if you can embrace what is on offer in AA you will never regret it. If I can do it anyone can.

Has Roundabout played a part in your AA journey?
Roundabout played a major part in my early recovery. In the beginning I was so ill I couldn’t focus to hear properly or to read chapters from the Big Book so Roundabout was my lifesaver. I didn’t know how to sleep without booze and I would lie in bed reading Roundabouts until I fell asleep. I still read Roundabout in bed but since losing my sight I now download it from the website to my tablet and it reads it to me. 

Anything else you’d like to add?
When my only brother died aged 50 with his head down a toilet from alcoholism I knew my drinking was going to kill me. Despite my best efforts I could not stop. Desperation and humiliation brought me through the doors but the miracle that is AA keeps me coming back.