Freedom To Live My Own Life
I WANTED to stop drinking for years… well I wanted all the horrible bits to go away if truth be told… but I didn't connect drinking with my behaviour and all those consequences. I don't know how I first came across AA, but after some abortive attempts on my part, I went to a meeting with a desperation to stop drinking and heard my first identification. However, with an arrogance so deeply ingrained, I didn't put any effort in; I thought the answer was just to go to meetings and all would be given to me, I didn't know I had to work for it!
It took me 18 months of coming in and out of AA (I now know how fortunate I was to make it back each time) before I recognised I needed to change. I couldn't do it on my own. I needed help and guidance. I thought by turning up to meetings I would miraculously get sober, via osmosis. Whilst I had been open-minded to change, I was not really willing to put the work in, nor be truly honest with myself. My final drink gave me that gift of desperation to do everything that was suggested. I asked someone to sponsor me. His ability to deal with life sober and be content was incredibly attractive to me. Whenever I’m back visiting family, he often reminds me how he could see in my eyes I was ready - how they pleaded with him for help!
He showed me what to do, in the way he had been shown, and I did what was suggested, sometimes willingly and other times reluctantly, but I did it. Little by little I changed. As I look back to that time, I wonder where I found faith to trust in AA and God; the strength to face up to my defects of character, personality traits if you will; the thoroughness to search through the nooks and crannies of my warped mind and share every aspect with him in Step Five; the courage to genuinely put the wrongs of the past right with those I had harmed; persevere working every aspect of the Steps every day. I did it all with the love and support of my sponsor, with his experience and guidance and a loving God in my life. That is what made all this possible. But sponsorship is more than working through the Steps. When I lost a job in recovery, my sponsor listened to my moans. When my mother passed away, he let me cry. When life got too much, he let me rant. My sponsor doesn't need to tell me what I need to do now - in talking things through with him (or via email as my current sponsor travels a lot) - the process of sharing with another recovering alcoholic - the answer to my problems normally comes to mind.
My sponsor didn't manage my recovery for me; he didn't set the agenda, nor dictate the timeframe; he didn't tell me what to do nor how to do it. He simply laid out his experience, together with the tools of this Programme and gave me the freedom to live my own life. I asked him to help me and he did willingly...and I was willing to do as he suggested. I haven't been asked to sponsor many people. Those who I do give me so much more that they possibly realise. I try not to dictate the pace of work or tell them what to do. I try not to be the director or manager of their recoveries. I make myself available for them whenever they ask and happily pass on what was so freely given to me. I thank them for their trust, and my sponsors both old and current for their love and kindness in helping this alcoholic be happy, joyous and free (well most of the time!)
GUY, St Ives Cambridgeshire