Gold Star

My name is Mae and I am an alcoholic. There is something intimidating about putting my story on paper that feels scarier than sharing in the meeting. I suppose it is all the same, and the important thing is to trust what my Higher Power wants me to share in this moment. My sober date is October three, 2017. For the last year or so of my drinking, I drank alone. Weekday morning drinking was a big part of my story, and toward the end, I wasn't even trying to hide the fact that I was drunk at 10am on a Tuesday. Today (a Monday), I woke up desperately wanting to get drunk. I can't remember the last time that I had such a strong urge - honestly, it was probably just before my relapse 2 years ago.

I've been dealing with a lot of pain and questions of acceptance, boundary setting, and uncertainty around a romantic relationship for the past year or so. It's one of those intense, but not clearly defined situations that I just haven't found the courage to walk away from and just can't accept on its own terms without getting hurt. Last night, my roommate shared a funny story about meeting this person at a party over the weekend at a work event. We laughed, I asked for details, but then I immediately went to this place of hurt and thought, "But that means he was in the city this weekend and didn't reach out." Then I went down a spiral of sadness and frustration that I both recognized but wasn't able to stop or get outside of. I called a friend from the rooms to ask for help in the moment, which is something that I still really struggle with. For me, asking for help or admitting that, "I don't know" is far more challenging than apologizing or even asking for forgiveness. But I did it. We shared our experiences and things that we had heard in meetings. I wrote out my Tenth Step and sent it to my sponsor before bed. But still, I woke up desperately wanting to drink. Of course, I wanted to drink, I am an alcoholic.

One of the things that I struggle with is wanting everything to be resolved all at once, like yesterday. So, as I share what I know from experience has worked, I'm really telling myself what I need to hear or be reminded of right now. I heard someone say in a meeting once that, "She wasn't a slow learner, she was just a quick forgetter." That is definitely true for me. My first sponsor used to tell me to pray for the people that I had resentments toward or other issues with. We both had complicated pasts with our birth moms. She told me to start from where I was at, even if it meant that the prayer went, "God, please help this horrible lying blah blah blah." She said that eventually I would mean it and the hate and hurt would go away. She was right. Every time that I have consistently prayed for someone it has healed something in me and in my relationship with them. Usually, it means that I am actually letting go of things that I can't control instead of obsessing, ruminating, or tinkering. But I also have to remember that prayer doesn't (necessarily) work overnight. This past week, I prayed three times about the situation I am dealing with. While I did feel more grounded and less heavy, my expectation was that every day would be just a little better than the last. The reality is that I have a lot more work to do in terms of reconnecting with my Higher Power and that even once that happens, life will still be full of ups and downs and new lessons to learn.

I struggle to ask for help. I often put more effort into outward appearances than inner growth. The best example of that, for me, is to think about how much money I have spent on serums and make-ups to help my skin glow while only eating junk food (or no food), drinking, and skipping meetings in recovery. My insides were ashy, as they say. The best remedy for that, it turns out, is rigorous honesty. For me, it's about sharing in the meeting on the hard days not just the, "I read the Big Book, give me a gold star" days. And part of that rigorous honesty, for me, is being mindful about my intentions. Sometimes I say, "I'm fine," when I really am not. Other times I tell people that, "The world is awful and I am terribly depressed," when things are alright and I just want attention. It is easy for me to tell myself that I'm saving myself in the latter scenario, but I am probably acting out. There is a good chance that whoever I am dramatizing to isn't, for one reason or another, part of my healthy solution.

Finally, I always come back to the phrase, "Give time time." I remember the first time I heard it. It seemed totally profound. It really is, though, when you think about it. For me, I know that there is usually fear and selfishness - or probably just self-centered fear - lurking just below my impatience. If I am obsessively checking my phone, convinced that everyone who doesn't like my photo or is behind on messages, hates me. Or if I am trying to force or rush something that clearly is not meant to be, then chances are I am afraid of something and my ego is hurt. I find that being patient with myself and keeping everything, "Just for today," really does help me to let go of so much fear and resentment, even though there are still days were 'One Day' feels impossible.

MAE.